on 17 oct 2011, night time. i was drunk once in my whole entire life.... i used to challeng myself and friend, saying i wont be drunk even i don drink, somehow i was drunk that night crying my heart out.... jackson and Ian was with me. i feel very dizzy, clearly i was very clear in my mind though drunk.
i push myself to the limit that how far i go..... true enough, i was awake shortly within one hour of pushing my WILL.... i ask them to question me a lots thing. so i answer according in my current state.. though dizzy heavy in mind. i am able to complete the task i give myself. i remember every single thing i have said that night...
friday night 28 oct 2011, i was out with alvin dinner... i told him that. he was telling me. wo dui bu qi zi ji.. i let down my inner self pushing myself how far i can go..... i was awake by his word... God sorry for all i was trying by myself did not let you come in that night...
i know i will get hurt again, but, i wont live to regret my life.... giving my all to a person a just knew merely in weeks, in human context thats stupidity. but, i know i wont live to regret... i wanted to love her increasingly, somehow when she is gone. in my heart i really miss her. somehow i would say, i really starting to treat her like my own....
nobody in my family seem to understand how i feel. they will always take my elder brother words. but not me, i am not in the position talking making decision. i cannot influence them.
if you see this post, and the lady by the name starting with "SYLVIA" is the one i am mentioning. i want you to live better than anyone else i have come to know. i will pray to God take away all the danger you may encounter in fututre. i will take it from you... let all good things happen to you... :)
Monday 31 October 2011
Thursday 27 October 2011
How to know i in love?
i feel for this girl.... but, i really don know how i should say? i like how the way she react. her reaction. the way she think, but i don know if thats what i looking for in a women...
i just feel sad..... why??? why the ^%$# i cannot get the hell out of my mental state.. its coming to 3 month after the break up. am i too soon falling in love again? or am i just not ready.... i am really confuse... what to do??.....
she seem too warm yet still cold towards me....i really don know.... why am i so weak in my mental now??? why do i still feel sad??? guess the break up have tremendous effect on me.... i am not the person i used to be... fast on thinking good analyzing..... all these point is like gone.... yet sometime it become very powerful..... what is happening to me??? i was being reject in 1997. the one i love so much.... i was thinking of her sometime..... rejecting is a very powerful negative forces.... i really want to be the person i used to be..... how can i become a better yet upgraded version of myself??
i really given my all... till nothing i have to give.... why do you still deny me.. do you know that really hurt?
i just feel sad..... why??? why the ^%$# i cannot get the hell out of my mental state.. its coming to 3 month after the break up. am i too soon falling in love again? or am i just not ready.... i am really confuse... what to do??.....
she seem too warm yet still cold towards me....i really don know.... why am i so weak in my mental now??? why do i still feel sad??? guess the break up have tremendous effect on me.... i am not the person i used to be... fast on thinking good analyzing..... all these point is like gone.... yet sometime it become very powerful..... what is happening to me??? i was being reject in 1997. the one i love so much.... i was thinking of her sometime..... rejecting is a very powerful negative forces.... i really want to be the person i used to be..... how can i become a better yet upgraded version of myself??
i really given my all... till nothing i have to give.... why do you still deny me.. do you know that really hurt?
comrade jackson
today i came to know that my comrade jackson in love liao :) good my brother. i will be praying that this relationship will be the best one for you :)
Its painful...
Deep in my heart..... i wish i love you again..... but on my heart its never the same you again.... after the fall... i am so tired and weak to stand up again..... i thought i fall in love, but alway a wrong person...
if i think it in a good way, its God planning is to come for me. but if its bad, i cant never love a person again. why does it have to happened like this???? oh well...... i say i never want to give my true heart away anymore... but each time i fail to do it.... why am i so weak? ....
if i think it in a good way, its God planning is to come for me. but if its bad, i cant never love a person again. why does it have to happened like this???? oh well...... i say i never want to give my true heart away anymore... but each time i fail to do it.... why am i so weak? ....
Friday 21 October 2011
211011 1641HRS
if tomorrow is the end of world, and you have just broken someone heart and found a new love. will you be with your ex or the new love???? and if your ex is willing to die for you but you reject. If your new love don even love you to the extend you expect for..... will you be heart broken as well? for i am weak i cannot understand.... i wanted to be in love again but not now. i feel a little unstable yet......
If i fall in love again, that will be my last......
If i fall in love again, that will be my last......
Sunday 9 October 2011
loving someone...
One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, loving someone else
hurt bad...
:( :( :( :( :(
why??? am i???????? worthless??????? thank you for eveything and everything.........
i realise i cannot love anymore...... really....... am i to go for my calling...... ????? i am so not ready......../???? i am becoming a shadow of my former self....... i miss you miss you miss you miss you.......
I really have give everything............ why????...............????......... you left.........????? i wont love anyone anymore........ not because i lost you......... because i have lost MYSELF....... so much........ so much i cannot take it very very very very very very very very very very very very very very deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep down in my heart............. i wish i can be taken away ok ???????......... why stilllllllll painful??????????? ................ pain pain pain pain pain pain.......... loving a person that you not suppose to love........ i cannot control........ i am very stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.................
God give me wisdom.... pls why am i so fucking stupid?????? aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
you have already decided to be with who in the start... why lead me on??????
why??? am i???????? worthless??????? thank you for eveything and everything.........
i realise i cannot love anymore...... really....... am i to go for my calling...... ????? i am so not ready......../???? i am becoming a shadow of my former self....... i miss you miss you miss you miss you.......
I really have give everything............ why????...............????......... you left.........????? i wont love anyone anymore........ not because i lost you......... because i have lost MYSELF....... so much........ so much i cannot take it very very very very very very very very very very very very very very deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep down in my heart............. i wish i can be taken away ok ???????......... why stilllllllll painful??????????? ................ pain pain pain pain pain pain.......... loving a person that you not suppose to love........ i cannot control........ i am very stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.................
God give me wisdom.... pls why am i so fucking stupid?????? aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
you have already decided to be with who in the start... why lead me on??????
Thursday 6 October 2011
061011 1640hrs
I am sick for few days already freaking sick..... fever flu cough..... sigh............ why ?????
i have not see a doctor yet. i wanna hold on till really cannot take it then go see doc...
sick plus heart ache really pain in the ass....
i have not see a doctor yet. i wanna hold on till really cannot take it then go see doc...
sick plus heart ache really pain in the ass....
.....................
How can after 7 years of relationship, you can fall in love with someone within week? and says its only after our breakup????
how do you want me to believe this? thats too fast. it only mean one thing... you don love me anymore from years ago. stop telling the world that because my temper and my weakness cos you to do this...
obviously you have all this planned and all. using my weakness to make you feel better for leaving me for another man. you are like all the other person.
how do you want me to believe this? thats too fast. it only mean one thing... you don love me anymore from years ago. stop telling the world that because my temper and my weakness cos you to do this...
obviously you have all this planned and all. using my weakness to make you feel better for leaving me for another man. you are like all the other person.
Tuesday 4 October 2011
love????
I love you till i cannot be myself anymore.but someone deny that love.................. how hurtful.................
I have to say something so nasty just to complete what you have started. (break up)
if you got any idea it hurt like fuck....... like till no tomorrow...... you should be proud that i reject girls for you not because i cant get them. coz for YOU.......
3rd party is so fucked......... kelvin ng... be sure god never let me see you......
I have to say something so nasty just to complete what you have started. (break up)
if you got any idea it hurt like fuck....... like till no tomorrow...... you should be proud that i reject girls for you not because i cant get them. coz for YOU.......
3rd party is so fucked......... kelvin ng... be sure god never let me see you......
Saturday 1 October 2011
what have you become?
you been nice and all but very unforgiving.... say you forgive in the end you keep in your heart. when in arguement you bring out all the past. is this the way you forgive?
when god forgive people and he say i can forgive you but cannot forget what you did. then what will you think? forgive is everything. but you just don wanna to talk... i send the sms just to kill your heart. coz i want you to be even more confirm that our relationship is over.
come to think to it. all our issue can be overcome. but you bait out, that not it, you simply break up out of your emotion stress and mess up. don even know what you wanted in this relationship. today if you are me, and your temper and your stress. i for sure will tell you, you have already kill yourself.... think im joking?
when you say you did it on purpose, why is it you come to this point without even talking to me. you always assume thats the way which in fact, its not. keeping silent is not good and wanting me to sense what you have in your mind its total unacceptable. i am no GOD.....
you say i say cruel things to you. so what are the cruel thing? you believe it or not i did not meant to hurt you. but you keep saying i am hurting you.... now how you want me to say???? the way you break up its total freaking heart breaking for me. 3 weeks you have a new guy.... stop telling me that you have feeling for him after our break up. coz thats totally a LIE.... why since you have known him for years plus, if you have not taken interest in him, how is it possible to develop feeling so fast? i really cannot understand.
don say i love myself more than you. coz you really don know. if i am willing to sacrifice my life for you. it mean you are so important to me. you deny that when you know the truth. it hurt me even more when you say now nothing happened so you don need my protection. everyone have weakness. don always look at the weakness. you say i mind your facial paraylsis? how so???? you say i never help much in your operation? how you want me to help???
you feel insecure with me, when i ask you what am i suppose to do to make you feel secure? you say you don know.... all this are because your are mess up emotionall, which can be settle after a cool period but, you choose to leave.
lets say if we are married, and this happened are you going to divorce? or try to salvage the love we once hold so dear to? that day you yourself know i am trying to save our relationship. you freaking knew it but you just step on it. pressing my heart on the ground then stepping on it with great force..
worst part is that you know i have improvment but not good enough for you???? since you already know i have change but why did you have to put this onto me? i saw our past years SMS, you were saying "i dunna break up, mei mei and missy saying sorry to bee bee and wang wang" now tellin you cannot accept me after 7 years you fail trying to change me?
i never ever try to change you in any fact. but in fact there's one thing about you really need to change. thats your mentality. you are so narrow minded. you just simply cannot open up your mind to think otherwise. all these years when you want thing your ways have i ever abuse you to that extend? yes i may be angry for a while but after that i will be good wont i?
and why i angry? is still all the pressure around me you my family.... but you only will understand fom your point of view why it only must be you... you just cannot stand on my point. today if your mother is the one having problem with me. all thing are the same how would you feel and handle that? are you able to give me a perfect answer? don you think you will have that anger in you too? and where there's no other option for you the ventilate your emotion, where can you go???
so what happened to you when i can tell you infront of your face "i don give a fuck o your mother anymore" doesn't it will hurt the one you love and you? have you ever think in this point? if you have give me a better choice. 7 years of relationship ended the way it shouldn't have....
sex life... in the start did i told you about i really have high sex drive.... we use to have 3 to 4 time a week. but recent years, we start to have once a week. in this area you always say i freak horny and want you to blow me when im playing game or when you are tired. this are not that hurting thing to do. did i not ask yu if you are tired???? and your thinking is "if i don blow you i will get angry" hey you are simply trying to make things worst.
whatever it is, i know there's no hope anymore in regard of our relationship.... just wanted you to know, you are always using things i hurt you in the past to hurt me back without knowing it yourself. kenix diane..... and all. after your operation, you regain your confidence. what you lack once you are ready to full force all out to get it. and forgotten our happy time together. the missing you part all have gone. i know i have said hurtful thing to you. but during heat arguement who don say hurtful thing? and all in all we don meant those hurtful words. but you take it so hard on yourself.
my love, both of us is in adult love not puppy love. if all thing problem above i mention was not settle, and what do you think will happened in our marriage life, it could have been worst.
when god forgive people and he say i can forgive you but cannot forget what you did. then what will you think? forgive is everything. but you just don wanna to talk... i send the sms just to kill your heart. coz i want you to be even more confirm that our relationship is over.
come to think to it. all our issue can be overcome. but you bait out, that not it, you simply break up out of your emotion stress and mess up. don even know what you wanted in this relationship. today if you are me, and your temper and your stress. i for sure will tell you, you have already kill yourself.... think im joking?
when you say you did it on purpose, why is it you come to this point without even talking to me. you always assume thats the way which in fact, its not. keeping silent is not good and wanting me to sense what you have in your mind its total unacceptable. i am no GOD.....
you say i say cruel things to you. so what are the cruel thing? you believe it or not i did not meant to hurt you. but you keep saying i am hurting you.... now how you want me to say???? the way you break up its total freaking heart breaking for me. 3 weeks you have a new guy.... stop telling me that you have feeling for him after our break up. coz thats totally a LIE.... why since you have known him for years plus, if you have not taken interest in him, how is it possible to develop feeling so fast? i really cannot understand.
don say i love myself more than you. coz you really don know. if i am willing to sacrifice my life for you. it mean you are so important to me. you deny that when you know the truth. it hurt me even more when you say now nothing happened so you don need my protection. everyone have weakness. don always look at the weakness. you say i mind your facial paraylsis? how so???? you say i never help much in your operation? how you want me to help???
you feel insecure with me, when i ask you what am i suppose to do to make you feel secure? you say you don know.... all this are because your are mess up emotionall, which can be settle after a cool period but, you choose to leave.
lets say if we are married, and this happened are you going to divorce? or try to salvage the love we once hold so dear to? that day you yourself know i am trying to save our relationship. you freaking knew it but you just step on it. pressing my heart on the ground then stepping on it with great force..
worst part is that you know i have improvment but not good enough for you???? since you already know i have change but why did you have to put this onto me? i saw our past years SMS, you were saying "i dunna break up, mei mei and missy saying sorry to bee bee and wang wang" now tellin you cannot accept me after 7 years you fail trying to change me?
i never ever try to change you in any fact. but in fact there's one thing about you really need to change. thats your mentality. you are so narrow minded. you just simply cannot open up your mind to think otherwise. all these years when you want thing your ways have i ever abuse you to that extend? yes i may be angry for a while but after that i will be good wont i?
and why i angry? is still all the pressure around me you my family.... but you only will understand fom your point of view why it only must be you... you just cannot stand on my point. today if your mother is the one having problem with me. all thing are the same how would you feel and handle that? are you able to give me a perfect answer? don you think you will have that anger in you too? and where there's no other option for you the ventilate your emotion, where can you go???
so what happened to you when i can tell you infront of your face "i don give a fuck o your mother anymore" doesn't it will hurt the one you love and you? have you ever think in this point? if you have give me a better choice. 7 years of relationship ended the way it shouldn't have....
sex life... in the start did i told you about i really have high sex drive.... we use to have 3 to 4 time a week. but recent years, we start to have once a week. in this area you always say i freak horny and want you to blow me when im playing game or when you are tired. this are not that hurting thing to do. did i not ask yu if you are tired???? and your thinking is "if i don blow you i will get angry" hey you are simply trying to make things worst.
whatever it is, i know there's no hope anymore in regard of our relationship.... just wanted you to know, you are always using things i hurt you in the past to hurt me back without knowing it yourself. kenix diane..... and all. after your operation, you regain your confidence. what you lack once you are ready to full force all out to get it. and forgotten our happy time together. the missing you part all have gone. i know i have said hurtful thing to you. but during heat arguement who don say hurtful thing? and all in all we don meant those hurtful words. but you take it so hard on yourself.
my love, both of us is in adult love not puppy love. if all thing problem above i mention was not settle, and what do you think will happened in our marriage life, it could have been worst.
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