231013 1535hrs

finally i realise, the one closest to you been doing something so terribly wrong. everything just so wrong. i have been hurt so bad this time. i don wanna forgive any longer. i have given too much time for this.

for the last 1 decade, i am living in the world full of deception, lies, i felt so fucking cheated. Hey come on!!! i am a human being just like everyone else, i show respect and love not for you to fucking destroy!!!!! worst of all, the one that hurt me is the one that brought me up. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG!!!!!! its breaking inside me so much and painful!!!!!! no more armor no more shield no more sword!!!! what the fuck!!!!!!

I did not give it up, even sister left hopelessly..... i hang in there for so fucking long in hope i am wrong..... now i knew i have to go..... do not look for me. this time even if i die outside. i will never even crawl back home. i don have a fucking home now. i don know what is family. is this the teaching you fucking pass on to your children?  don even talk about and say you guys have not much education!!!!!! because be it you study or not, morally got nothing to do with it!!!! 

you rather listen to the outside people, fuck you!!! i will never want to face you!!! honestly i don fucking know how to face you guys!!!!!! in my life, though i never behave well enough to be of standard. I STILL KNOW WHATS FAMILY HONOR, LOYALTY, i never back down from those.... my heart right now is so fucking painful..... i am crying, weeping while writing this.... things i never will do to others, i least expected that came from you!!!!!   To this stupid family, i am telling you, finally i will live my life in freedom. no hurtful words.... no mean words.... i have a life to go on... and when i return to myself again. don ever think about it. Why the fuck hidden agenda?????? from family!!!!!???? REALLY!!!!??? fuck!!!!!!!!!

110413 2119Hrs

you have did something very wrong.... but you didnt realise it.... its not your fault.... anyway thanks for everything you have done :) comrade you are a good person that i wont find such person again...

do take care and live good, i know you will :)

160313 2340Hrs

Miss the boat.... zuo le... wo zhen de hui tuo kan le ni yi yan.... dan zui zhong ni fa qi le... hao ba wo hui zhu fu ni.... I have left my port open up for you.... but then you have decided.... honestly i knew we will come to this.... i already told you.... but you are confirm during that time..... so i think i should be thinking of looking forward... Thanks comrade..... i will miss you deeply.... just might not be what we are anymore you know....

For now i need to re structure my path, and continuing mission. i have to move.... xin bu ding jiu bu neng xiang qian jing.... hope you will be able to see with your heart :)

140313 0650Hrs

給你需要的幸福(看後哭了)
有一對情侶，都是大學生，他們畢業後，結婚了。結婚後，很幸福。這個女孩的一個朋友，老公很有錢，她們一起出去，人家買的都是貴的，她都是便宜的， 她就鬧心，然後就對老公發脾氣。她老公很體貼，問她怎麽了。她就說你掙那麽一點錢，連我買衣服的都不夠，然後他老公沈默了，沒說話。那女孩說，對不起哦。 過了一段時間，男孩和她說我在日本找了一份工作，明天就走，掙的錢多，掙的錢都給你打卡上。也許很久才能回來一次。
女孩哭了，想讓他留下，但是又想讓他多掙點錢。第二天，男孩走了，沒用多久，她的卡上就多了一萬塊錢。從此，她也有錢了，每天出去買好多衣服，她身 邊的朋友都羨慕她，可是，她心裏總是空空的。回到家，看到的是雙人床，可卻只有她自己睡了，每天都自己睡一邊，她越來越感到孤單。
很想老公，給他打電話，她說很想他，讓他回來。他沒有回來，還是繼續給她打錢，短短的半年，給她在卡上打了二百多萬。她說夠了，讓他回來，他還是不 回來，讓她好好在家呆著。她有了這麽多錢，也不工作了，就是每天逛街看電視，和朋友聊天。快一年的時候，她太想他了，就打電話，想讓他回來。可是，接電話 的是個女的。她就想，男人有錢就變壞，看來他真的是變壞了。她哭了好久，她哭著對自己說，我不要錢了，我只想要你。
過了幾天，她又給他打電話，這次是他自己接的。他對她說，我給你錢，你改嫁吧，我們離婚吧。女孩瘋了一樣的說，不行。他說他有了另一個女孩。女孩傷 心，每天出去買好多東西，填補內心的空虛。她想他，再次給他打電話的時候，又是那個女孩接的，那個女孩聲音很柔弱的對她說，你們離婚吧。過幾天離婚協議書 就給你打過去了。然後就掛了。這不到一年的時間，他已經在她卡上打了近三百多萬，她每次問他在做什麽，他都說在研究人體，所以給的錢多，她也就沒再問下 去。
這次，她再也受不了了，她買了去日本的機票，打聽了他在的地方。因為他一直沒告訴過她，他在哪裏。
　
她終於找到了他......

隱藏內容

在的地方，她找到了接電話的女孩，問她，他在哪。她低著頭說，你還是來了，你跟我來，然後她帶她來到了一家醫院。
　
她心裏緊張，經過一年的離別，終於可以見到日思夜想的他了。推開的，是病房的門，她進門的那一刻，她呆住了。看著病床上那個臉色蒼白的他，已經沒有了一年前的陽光和活力，二十多歲的男孩，現在已經像三四十歲，瘦的沒有一點點肉。 她跑過去，瘋狂的抱住他，問他這是怎麽了。他艱難的笑了笑，傻丫頭，你還是來了，我沒事。她哭了，轉過頭，問那個女孩，他和我離婚是因為你嗎?
他怎麽了，她低著頭，半天才說出話來。這個女孩只是醫院的護士而已，是照顧他的護士。她哭了，她說她看不下去了，然後跑出去了。女孩抱著他，問他怎麽了。他只是說，傻丫頭，那些錢都收到了吧，放心吧，那都是幹凈錢。我想夠你花很長時間了。
　
她哭了，還是問他怎麽了。他沒說。最後，她找到了那個女孩，問她。她告訴她，這個男孩一到日本他們就認識了，他一直在一家醫院研究一種病毒。這件事沒到生 存不下去的地步，沒人去做，因為，需要用自己做試驗，凡是接觸這種病毒的人都會慢慢的被感染，除非研究出解決的辦法來，只要同意研究，就會簽一份合同，合 同簽了，就會先付一百萬人民幣。
　
他猶豫了一下，還是簽了，他做到了。女孩知道後，瘋了一樣的哭著，在女孩最後陪伴他的日子裏，他是開心的，而她卻感覺自己是個罪人。男孩死了，女孩帶著他的骨灰回到了中國，回到了那個曾經一起共同創建的家。而如今，只剩下她一個人，和她花不完的錢。
她捧著曾經一起的照片哭了，跪在床邊，門響了，她打開門。收到了一個郵包。她打開郵包，是他走時候，她送給他的襯衫。一張卡和一封信從襯衫裏掉了出 來，信裏寫著：老婆，當你收到這封信的時候，也許叫遺書更合適吧，我已經不在人世了。我不知道這樣做對不對，是不是給了你想要的幸福，但是我知道，你肯定 不舍得我走。老婆，還記得我們剛結婚的時候，我答應你要給你想要的生活。我不知道這麽做對不對，老婆，那張卡裏有三百萬，夠你花了，你一定要幸福的。我不 後悔為你付出了生命，不要再想我了，只要記得，曾經有個男人很愛很愛你，為了你，什麽都能去做。丫頭，你要幸福的，我給了。你想要的物質，卻沒法再給你愛 情，但我在天上會繼續保護你，我愛你。

040313 2356Hrs

Hey bro..... i will say i beak my own promise to help you this time, i injured myself too. so they have give me face, you don go and create problem again. GRRR.... ever since i left, ever since i started my new life what the heck am i doing back there again.... you were once my bother and till now still is. so don just keep going and maintain your &^%$#%^ habit!!!!!

What happened today,  i will take it once and for all please for u and family sake stop ur FREAKING habit!!! How long u think i am able to save u? U better sayang ur wife more.... if she didnt call me u will be in damn big freaking trouble. Like i say to you brother will always be brother. but do spare a thought for your family

God bless us all AMEN

030313 0358Hrs

I told her what i feel lo.... don know what will become of us. God it is your will and i would want to :)
I told her when the way she sayang the cat i felt like i wanna hug her... seriously people that love animal are so attractive to me and warm my heart so much :)

I would say, some how i knew you.... if you want spread your wings and fly..... when you are tired le, make your way back here if you want.... my port is open for you :)

God bless the world and you :)

030313 0105Hrs

Today uncle Gab tell me about putting others first before us. and he also mention that Helping people is good intension. but same time, must make sure it wont cause another problem within a problem. And also ourself must be healthy to help :)

020313 1209Hrs

I forget to write something..... ok after i send her home we walk below her block to see the cats!!!! haha she love so the cat. and never in my life i saw a woman like this that love so the cat.

Again gravity pull this time its more like touch.... :)

020313 0545Hrs

we have a long chat at east coast about almost everything haha, -- wo meng hui zou dao na ge jin tou ma? she ask me that... i was shock... Erm right here i say maybe... but, don worry :) you can go ahead :)

I sense something. yet again, fog.... well don :) she told me about she cannot be with the up up guy... erm... i don know how to tell you.... coz something is stopping me.....

Emotion is something as human we cannot run away from.... yet again we try to control.... But what i can say, the more you wanna control it the more will lose control of it.

Just stay happy and smile from your heart for the rest of your life :) God bless u and family :)

010313 2344Hrs

Oh no.... :( its getting deeper...... why like this.... i feel the gravity pull inside my heart.... today got news from her.... a person that she is considering.... erm what can i say? one part wish you all the best, one part keep denying the news...

:) zhi yao ni kai xin, jiu you ni qu ba :) wo hui xiang shang di shuo, rang ta kan zhu ni :)

tian tian kai xin :)

270213 2035Hrs

I am sorry.... but i cant help falling for you...... Sorry I will try harder not to fall.... :(.....

270213 0042Hrs

My heart feels heavy... i felt something in me slowly is changing.... I cannot understand what is it.... Doe a person i just come to know about like weeks ago. somehow in her i sense confusion... yet clear... haha funny...

Recently i have come to know.... everytime i treat people good, but, in the end they will just heck care you when you are in trouble... why do i still feel for them? i cannot understand that part in me. why is it like this...

Guess its in my blood to treat people good... always got mistreat by people.... God why like this? i am not questioning you.... just felt sadden by this.... Since you created me, there's a purpose for me.... Just let me know what i need to do.... i receive order from you and i will accomplish it....

God bless the WORLD :)

150213 2114Hrs

Today suppose to go bible study but didnt go. A lots thought come into my mind sigh.... how do i get it off?

今之念，刻内心。往意时，飘我心。明知不可行，却有难受极。 为何为＂情＂ 字烦？

 .... logic versus feeling. compromise versus compatibility... well human flaw.... things change..... people change... memory... stay.... thats why we dwell in it... the sweet good feeling of memory doesnt change.... i could not live in the past anymore..... Lord in heaven grant me strength to move forward.... Amen :)

140213 0206Hrs

later my family going to HK :) my lord please i pray to you for their safety, if anything bad were to happened over there. PLEASE let it be me to take the hit please my lord i pray in Jesus name AMEN!!!

I started to miss someone.... but i seriously have to move on.... i am sorry i sound weak.... I think i will miss you and probably a long time... But rest assure i will not be loving you le... I did love you.... and thats did... I will be loving someone worth more of my time...

Lord i am sorry that i really TRY to love unconditionally. but i fail a lot time.. My lord please help me to love unconditionally.... My Lord please help me forget and forgive those i hurt and hurt me... only you have the power in Jesus name AMEN. :)

080213 0415Hrs

Its my Birthday :) but its a lonely birthday... i did came to know a few female friends... but i don know why... i have some special feeling only for one....

190113 0214Hrs

11 days no news.... well be it ....

180113 1344Hrs

180113 0029Hrs

170113 0252Hrs

Whatever you love, you will make a part of your life

140113 0840Hrs

As i was browsing around in facebook. found many old friends :) and i also notice a lot them have already married and have children liao.... i look at them and i look at myself.... 

here i am being always trouble by love..... what the heck man..... i have wasted enough time.I don want to waste anymore....

Enough is enough..... Sorry i have to go...

140113 0529Hrs

我的手握著方向盤                            
眼神停留在陌生的前方
週末夜晚擁擠的路上
我們能不能走到山頂上
你就坐在我的身旁
為什麼心卻生活在他方
周圍夜色如此得迷亂
沉默中聽見不安的試探
你愛我嗎
我可以這樣問你嗎
你愛我嗎
你給我的溫柔是寂寞嗎
你愛我嗎
你心裡還有遺憾嗎
你是真的愛我嗎

城市裡燈火正輝煌
我們的未來在什麼地方
週末夜晚天空正閃亮
幸福是不是還握在手上
你就靠在我的肩膀
為什麼心卻沉沒在遠方
窗外天空依然還溫暖
歎息中發現不只是不安
你愛我嗎
我可以這樣問你嗎
你愛我嗎
你給我的溫柔是寂寞嗎
你愛我嗎
你心裡還有遺憾嗎
你是真的快樂嗎
你愛我嗎
你這樣問過自已嗎
你愛我嗎
你給我的擁抱是習慣嗎
你愛我嗎
你的心裡還是唯一嗎
你愛我嗎
你是真的愛我嗎

130113 1816Hrs

MARRIED OR NOT, YOU SHOULD READ THIS ...

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

... Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ♥

120113 0219Hrs

120113 0046 HRS

Sigh.... mind torturing.... Another freaking mind game (*%$&.....  totally lost it.... go ahead your way.... may your next be able to work it out with you.....

Mind set all wrong still upholding it.... you are the one that say you don care so hope you don ever regret saying that.

110113 1735Hrs

Hmm 3rd day no reply... ok i think i have to make up my mind. really am wasting time....

100113 0304Hrs

The only thing that keeps me loving you is the hope that maybe-maybe you’ll love me back someday

100113 0300Hrs

100113 0252Hrs

I´ve always wanted her to love me the way I loved her. She did love me, I know she did. Just not the way I wanted her to… I’d always secretly believed that a love as fierce and true as mine would be rewarded in the end, and now I was being forced to accept the bitter truth

100113 0248Hrs

I wish you care about me.......

100113 0245Hrs

100113 0242Hrs

010813 0233Hrs

..... my first post in 2013.... strange i have facebook but im still here :) i don know why my brain always work so powerfully at night..... Lord please help me.... cant sleep....

Recently i realise i did a lot things to hurt someone.... i am truly sorry. then again what i am going through now is what i've done back to me.... well, i accepted le....

wo ai ni, dan que huan lai bei shang.... zhi xiang ting ting ni de sheng yin, dan ni que bu hui zhu dong....nan ren ye xu yao ren teng... yin xiong ye yao rou qing ban.... kan lai, wo de gan qing lu hen shi kan ke.... bei shang le hen jiu, ye bu zhi dao zhe mei shou...

na zhong bei shang de gan jue hao zhen shi.... tong de wo mei fa shuo chu kou... xiang zhao ren liao shi, que you shuo bu chu kou.... mao dun....