10 August 2024 0303Hrs

 Dear Dear :)

We are finally married :) I know not being easy all these years. We will get thru it no matter what challenges we face ahead. Thinking about it seems funny... just two days ago we are both single. And now married... hahaha 

Needed time to adjust, many thing happened in my life, I'm glad you accepted what, who I am. Same as how i accepted everything that you were, was and is. :)

God is blessing us in this marriage and in our life. I guess I have growth to a better person and so much better that i couldn't believe it. I know all these while God is the one that change and mold me to a different person than I am previously. I thank God for all these changes. 

God I sincerely thank you for always being here for me. You never forsake me though at time i question you. Forgive me for my insolent. I could never see the way you see things. As you are the alpha and omega. God you know whats the episode of my life since you make me. You saw all the things that happened in my life, you already know it. And i am very grateful that you put Cordelia in my life. 

Though many times she, well you know.. I don't regret loving her. For she is the first person you told her about my deepest secret. The best of all is the heart felt pounding feeling for the both of us at the same moment. That for one is confirm from you. :)

God, I really cannot thank you enough. I know i am not being faithful talking and praying to you. You have show your great love to me and Cordelia, and even our family members :)

God, here I pray to you, I pray for my family members that's not Christian yet, I pray one day they will see that your are the only God in their life. In Jesus name we pray AMEN!!!

There's so many thing in my mind now, and at times it can be very overwhelming. God do calm me down and bless me with peace and wisdom. My mind and brain is fast, and at time I got so hard up on things that i cannot comprehend. 

Last but not least, God I love you. :) AMEN!!!   

5 Jan 2024

 Finally handing  over the key of yishun flat. 8 years of torturing and endless mind games. This mark an end of that era. 

Good bye Yishun, I will miss you ... God bless the new owner :)

Finally better understanding of myself after so long

 Analytical thinking and abstract reasoning, 

Something so interesting.... no wonder I am reacting or predict or something. I could explain it too well.

Hahaha

230317 1150Hrs

是我太顾虑你的感受，方才痛了自己。爱我的人，会为了我付出。在事情上会站在我这里。
你呢？。。。。 给我的感觉就是你的心都很可能不在我这了。 碰到问题 就要解决。不是逃避。


你的压力是在，钱，时间，身子累，儿子和家人。


我的压力， 是艰辛无比的精神压力。我面对的是人心莫测的压力。 上帝给了我个好礼。但，是福是祸我拿捏不准。明明知道此人心怀不愧，我却不可以阻止，我还必须看下去。你知不知那对我是有多残忍？ 当那个此人是我的至亲的时候。 我能怎么办？ 你是否了解？你是否明白？那种万般无奈的心痛？所以我说这个点上，你不了解我。。。。
如果你是我也有我的感受，我肯定会非常了解并心疼你。


说到我姐，你觉得是小事。你知不知道她的一切行为都很故意吗？ 你也受过她的气。你怎么就这么不明白？ 而她跟我的事，让你有了压力。 想问你的是，我们的感情就这么弱吗？


这次你又说出那等言语，我真有点不能接受。看来，我对你的好，已经宠你惯了。你不珍惜了。

160217 1416hrs

爱何物，何证爱，爱否，不爱否，无法证之。

爱痕迹，实无证，爱之证， 只心觉。

120816 1540hrs

从什么都没有到有， 一切的一切也只不过一场戏罢了。 人生没几回，过程中从满着，爱，恨，情，仇。

并非是我不懂人情世故， 而是稀少的人懂我。 有时我怨恨， 气愤，不满，伤己。 不是对人而是对己。 世人不懂我，我认，我受。 但你为何也如此？

我只想在这花花世界留下我的足影， 想让世人知道，我没被花花世界所影响。 我还是我。你就这么的看不到吗？

大丈夫要有当但， 我错了吗？ 为了别人好， 人却把我当坏人。。。 此意乃真心，就你不懂我。

承受着压力的我， 你们懂吗？多少回，我真的受不住了。天下可有人知吗？ 在我背后的压力，重得我四肢无力之， 可否有人申出援手呢？ 都没有。。。。

我扛得好生痛楚， 我也没有怨言。

140716 1445hrs

I am writing this with very heavy heart. Ong Hock Long is a very close brother of mine during active days in army. i've lost contact with him ever since. little do i know the boatman of the boat catching fire was him.....

We have so many great memories together. there's a time when my company people going out for training, it left me, ah long (hock long) and tony. we went into the mess and then smoke la eat la play game ETC....

To think of 13 years later he is death..... i don know how to express that gravity pull in my heart now. Ah long, we have still so many thing left unsaid, i was hoping for the day we meet again so we can talk about everything on earth.

You left without a word.......

God  take care of my brother in arm. I commit my brother Ong Hock Long unto your hand.

Take care and send your blessing to his family member, as the pain of losing a son is unbearable. Dear heavenly father, my lord, my king, there's nothing i could do right now. You are the only one that is in control of everything.

I ask this in the name of my Lord Jesus, Amen.

280116 1600hrs

As i am writing this, the stress i am facing is damn real. and its damn stressful. look i love animal ok, but this is getting out of hand. i am damn fucking tired of what people always injecting themselves to my life and wanna take point on it. look first i have a brain..... you got it?

I am not those people that, if out of no choice i will give in. Please do not underestimate me in such manner. For i am who i am, its either you accept me completely or you fuck off from my life.

My blind loyalty finally kill me to a extend i am changing myself to another person. i do not like this. Loyalty is in my blood.... how can i just leave them to die like this. am i too soft? For sure right now i am too tired mentally. after 37 years first time in my life i felt like this. Inside me i am scared..... But not a single soul right now can understand it.

Please cut my some slack, don keep pushing your luck!!! Because i know myself. i am a damn nasty demon you will ever come across when i am pushed to my limit. I can feel it and its reaching. Deep in me i have long buried this demon, and i have no intention to let him out. This inner demon of mine is something you will fear, and worried of. So puny human i urge you do not test my patient any longer, for you don have what it takes to stop it.

Forgive me my lord, for i am weak and i need you. only you are able to help me.....

To hell to my past, i am a new person. The old have past and i am new. No fucking one claim my life, Except for GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD my life belong to you, use it as you wish!!!! in the name of Jesus i pray to you Amen!!

091115 1549hrs

I am damn fucking happy!!!! i have a new cat name heero! on last friday 061115 he arrived my place around 2030Hrs. Then we proceed to some photo taking !!!! very cute little animal God have created!!! I love you God.

Now he is here, ah chang ashes is still placed beside my bed. The first night i cried because i really felt i didnt give ah chang a good life. Then my dear sayang me. i felt so hopeless when i cannot help or saved ah chang. The reason i  play rc helicopter is coz i make a promise to ah chang i will carry on. now i am actually selling most of my heli. hopefully, all will be good.

040915 1105Hrs

Im am sadden by the fact of my country upcoming election. Freaking damn stupid opposition. Don lie to me right at my face!!! remember!!!! you are lucky because LKY and his A-team build singapore!!!! you don fuck with that!!!! you are nothing!!!! you think you are able to rule and become singapore gov? let me tell you, you are nothing but a stupid over grown lizard!!!! you think is easy to lead?? you think is easy to promise?

Opposition, please wake up your fucking stupid idea. what kind or type of changes you guys want? tell me!!!! stupid fool you cannot even know what changes you guys wanted and keep talking about change? what? foreigner taking your job? ok then, you go wash toilet, you go clean the table, you go become construction worker. do you want that? if not you fucking shut the fuck up!!!

Singaporean, i wont beg you guys to vote for who and who, i just don wanna to see my country in chaos. don fuck with what our fore father have work out and build.

Opposition!!! do you really think you have what it takes to be gov? then i suggest you find a piece of land and then declare independent. see if you can make it.. don take what others have already build then you wanna snatch away!!!!!. stupid

Lastly, opposition, you don have what it takes to beat GOV.

040715 1821hrs

I'm feeling so down. I don know what is it. Well, just felt betray? Or something else? I don't know.... I don't know what should I feel. Maybe how should I feel?

A week have passed, since me and my gf didn't talk to each other much. Well I guess that is it? My Canada friend visited singapore, but guess who he visited? My ex gf Josephine and family. Wow, just wow. Well maybe I didn't let it go? Or maybe I am jealous? I really don't know.

I didn't think too much of my gf and our problem. Coz I am tired and max out from this unstable relationship. I wouldn't want to have things like this happened. Any argument becomes a subject for her to compromise our relationship, break up.

It's so heart breating, I told her she left me with that feeling twice. Yet I don't know if she is even listening. I am just tired.
now that is the 3rd time now. I don't know if I can go on once again. God, I cry out to u, I need you. Help me.... Amen

250615 1726hrs

well, many things happened. I'm getting a house finally. damn happy about it. yet the relationship is very unstable. look here, im not selfish like others say. but yet most of the time, when things happened you always wanted to bait out. so this time i let you choose no need to ask me i agree or not. i did try to change to a better person, but you on the other hand, is giving me the feeling of, Thats not good enough. i have to think like this or like that.

going thru all this wasnt easy, i didnt even say that you have no right. did i say i will copy the key to you? yet you choose to be thinking on the other way itself. what more can i say. i can tell you this, you are saying this for the 3rd time. and it really hurt me quite a bit.


To let you know, you never did understand me to a certain degree. what you know is that, i have to be understanding to how you felt and i have to deal with it. no matter what my condition is. That really turn me away sometime. Almost all women have problem with me and i don know why. perhap i really cannot get married again. coz i am so afraid of it after my first failed marriage. but, anyway, if this is my fate i will accept it, and move forward again.

Last but not least, if every single time we argue about things or something else, your reaction is saying maybe i should leave you alone. tell you honestly this sentences hurt fucking big time. the relationship will not be stable if this happen almost all the time.

if what you think that is the best idea of getting message across. then i have no say.

160515 0325hrs

today one of my church friend talk to me, the way he talk I can feel that he is a practical person. I really hate what he said. Please come on, u should understand there's a limitation to what a person can do. Telling me I don care u have to get it done. Please u r a Fucking fool. Even the world smartest person also have things he don know, how can u say such unfair statement?

Fuck to you bro, really and when I'm trying to explain to u, u keep saying ur point and u don care about what I said. Then I won't give u face. When do u think I must listen to u and u not listening to me? Fuck you!!!!!!! 

Recently I'm so down emotionally yet no one is here for me. I really felt something is ending, sigh be it if I make a decision. FamilY all along not been supportive. Not matter what u do or did. You won't feel appreciated. I felt it is hurtful. I am damn happy that I gonna have a house. But.....

Human people, I don know how long I could take it before I snap.

My heart keep losing hope.... God please renew me. I couldn't just give up. Right now I am so extremely sad and down. But even my close and love ones didn't feel something is not right with me... 

Yet I'm always giving in to a certain extent.... How long will this last ?

280215 1937hrs

无向，无心，何去矣。

误以，自忍，无其同。

疼哉，伤哉，何处放。

忍伤，承伤，悲哉也。

心善，心呼，被掩其。

人其误，本内累。

280614 2018hrs

All seem well... Yet I sense something wrong.... God I have commited our relationship to u. In fact include all family member as well.  I knew I will turn out fine. ;)

Hope this time my armor and sword is stronger than before ;). The last have my armor and sword crush up. This time lets do it once more ;)

Love u God

250614 2311hrs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4DgESWtCus

250614 2308Hrs

Ah chang time have passed so fast..... do you know i so missed you.... I love you a lot...... I will work hard to have the chance to see you again :) I love you.... :)

250614 2300HRS

Alvin sms me!!!!!!!!!!! HAHA brother!!!! where the fuck you  been to? haha its been 2 and a half years.... i still hold on to our relationship brotherhood love comradeship. I love you brother. and from the day we become brother... though you are younger than me i always look up to you.... you are much wiser than i do.... now you are back.... fuck care the past lets gather and have a good talk again... lets do something for God.... Amen :)

240614 1759hrs

Boating and heli our hobby new memory registered...... Without u = not complete....

I am sadden further to know our boating photo gone..... .....................

240614 1714hrs

I make a costly mistake...... i didnt bring her to God, i only let her know about God.... :( sorry Lord.... Forgive me.....