301111 0047hrs

grr.......... why is this happening?.................

231111 2059hrs

because you never knew that cut that was so deep in me....... drastically change my inner self..... i told alvin just now.... i hate this change..... i feel so weak .... i am weaken further when bb cannot understand it....

bb pls do not destroy what i am right now.... coz i am once a very bad person but still with those value i mention to u..... i don wanna go back there sorry if i ever hurt u like that.... if thats a really big thing for u and u really cannot accept.... be it i really cannot do anything..... pls don give me the feeling i am at anyone mercy...

Because I am at only god mercy none else.... my lord command me to love my enemy..... lord forgive me for i am so weak i find it very hard to love them if they HURT my love one.....

bb there are so many thing in me you find really hard to accept.... bb not every one is perfect like i say before.... but i know you are capable of seeing others condition is much more better than me.... i not in anyway want u to leave....  just feel the pain u have..... this feeling is in me all the time....losing u is a very painful thing for me... i hope ever that day come..... PLS do let me know gently......

i will step down.....

231111 2053

bao bei and i are an item yay!!!!   but yesterday she is very unhappy.... sigh..... what can i do?
was it a death sentence? i don know....

i look around does not mean i am not listening. did i ever get angry over something you did? even if i don like it? you did that... but i did not lose my cool... coz i know that is you....

i will back off for now......

111111 1615hrs

bao bei fei chang dui bu qi.......

101111 1751hrs..

My LORD in heaven pls hear me..... pls bless my bao bei, and give her everything the best in the name of my LORD king jesus AMEN..

101111 1557hrs

yesterday in ym, bao bei say she still got feeling for that guy.... i sad sad ....... i don know..... but one thing i do know is i really like bao bei.....
in the ktv we hug 2 time..... first is when the song i don wanna miss a thing. i hug bao bei while trying to sing haha.... in the corner of my eye... i could see bao bei glancing at me haha... we talk about our relationship.... bao bei was quiet... i know something.... i feel it.... i really thank God for giving me this power to feel people... but this time i feel like it is also a curse.... bao bei heart is not with me..... my heart was crying actually.....

second time the song play ah qin qishi hai ai ni.... i officially ask bao bei to be my girlfriend.... but bao bei..........  my heart cry the second time..... i know its very hard on her now...... bao bei say we got many differences..... i know that.... i also scare to hurt bao bei..... i cannot step in or out..... i feel pain........

last night when bao bei say when kissig me she did not replace him as me.... i actually knew that was from the heart..... i very happy because bao bei actually said it :)

i told bao bei, i will retreat.... coz i don want bao bei to be difficult on this.... i told her she need to clear the cloud without me.... as it wont affect her decision..... one thing i know is that bao bei door are still open..... i also have the fear.... if that guy suddenly do everything what bao bei ask.....  somehow bao bei will consider....  love is always selfish.... he understood bao bei very well, for i don know yet... for that bao bei will go back.... i understand somehow you like me too bao bei. but like you say we have many differences
i am afraid i cannot keep up....even if i can keep up but for how long??? i am afraid of myself.... the more i see you the more i falling for you....

today we eat breakfast heh heh first time from a long long time... bao bei mind wonder around.... i see in her eyes....

091111 2008hrs

Yesterday i and bao bei went to hougang plaza ktv haha..... i sing some songs for my bao bei :) she kiss me :)....... i am happy....... before that we went to lavendar food court eat...

she give me lian ou to eat which in my life i never tasted before..... though i don like, i still eat ..... when i wanted to cut into little pieces to eat, she don let haha.... but stil i cut heh heh...

after the ktv, i went to her house to get my shirt :).... we hug hug heh heh..... i am happy..... i wear the new shirt i happy :)  ............ thanks bao bei :).......

my heart for you grew day by day...... :) i wish to my LORD.... give me the strength to hang in there..... bao bei be sure i will be here as you need me.... :) i know what that guy do..... i wanted to teach him a lesson.... but just now in ym. you say you cannot erase the memory like this.... i understand..... i withdraw what i say.... sorry if you feel pressure........

081111 0204hrs

bao bei sometime i really think if you would miss me? :) ...... i really miss you so much :)......

bao bei this is for you :)......

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

071111 2222hrs

bao bei is on her way back le :) i am happy..... she buy shirt for me :) heh heh... hug hug you :)

somehow today i cannot feel her :( why?...... somehow i feel her :).... why?.....

strange feeling :(  why?......

051111 0019hrs

bao bei must be in her dream land le haha..... sweet dream bao bei.... your knight is watching over you :) no one can harm you de..... :) 

041111 2349hrs

tomorrow you will be going to KL... enjoy your trip :) i wanted to see you so much today.... but i scare you very tired.... :) i have missed you so much..... i don know anymore if i can hang in there.... :) but its ok ......:) as long you are comfortable i am happy :)

Today i in the cell group but my comrade alvin not here... he at oversea working... i pray for him and his girl
en qi just now.... :) ..

I miss you  so terribly much....... :(  i cannot concentrate...... :( sigh.............  i understand you want bread over love.... i know how you been through....  but if i only got a pure heart for you?? will you accept me??? do you know when you say about what your requirement is, and about you like low temper person, and you say you know early stage about us le.... i am very sad..... i know i am so weak on that part. that moment... i was like cannot say further le.....

everytime i hug you..... i feel my soul is renew :) i feel like 95% of myself came back :) right after i send you home.... i become like 50% of myself.... today i think i am only 25% of myself.... sorry :(

now i think i even less for i know i cannot see you for the next 3 days.......  what can i do??? 

wise man say..... only fool rush in.... but i cant help falling in love with you.......
shall i stay?? would it be a sin??? but i cant help falling in love with you....
take my hand... take my whole life too... but i cant help falling in love with you....

when i see you thats where my heart is.... :) i like it when i say something, you look at me and listen :) when i return your look... i know you are thinking though not accepting everything. and you stood your ground :)

041111 1817hrs

Yesterday i go with her labrador park :) i am happy..... deep in my heart i really so happy :) i never feel as such for a very long time..... :) same time i feel her still holding on.... i know what's your concern.....

Erm..... i will be here ok?... even in future we may or may not be together..... wo zhi dao ni hui hen hao de.... i am really afraid of failing you.... ke shi, yi ci you yi ci wo men jian mian, wo jiu yi ci you yi ci de xian de shen yi dian.... wo hao pa wo bu neng chu lai.... Wo shi zhen de xi huan ni :) you pa dao bu liao ni de jin jie...... thank you for yesterday dinner... i see you wash cloth, cook, wash dish.... hey i really like that.... i want to wash it together with you :)

each time we see each other, im always so excited :) i'm always looking forward to see you everytime..... i wonder do you feel the same? why do i have to come to know you so late????

bao bei, why not we become an item first and you can still look for the perfect one? will it be better for you?? i know its must be hard on you too.... but, i just want you to know that, if ever you found one, pls let me know ok??? :) don hide away from me ok? :)


i tell you something, in my eyes and in my heart, i really like the thing you do... your normal daily life i mean :) then again your standard is different :) i really don want to iron out my heart just yet..... i just want to feel you around :) i have been someone knight before..... but they don treasure it..... i really wish you can take this bond to a whole new level.... let me just be here.... :) being around with you is actually the happiest moment of my day..... i know i'm being greedy i want it everyday.....

even it cant be everyday..... i'm still happy if we keep in contact :) i am really happy when you say want me to meet your mother :) really i am happy :) i have lost my sword and shield due to the past. what i left is only my knight's armor..... if i ever lost you, i know i have lost all my knight property... then i would have lost all thing in me.... never will i take up my knight armor, sword , and shield.....

sorry for being sound so weak..... just trying to express myself best as i can.... its been a little tough for me to keep up with you.... coz you are just so unique..... all i ever wanted is you to be happy and all....

031111 1600hrs

i was chatting with her in YM. :) i happy, she busy but still try talk to me :)... i feel heavy coz she got hard time thinking??? how to make her happy??/  i guess i have to step down a little don pressure her...

its like what i wrote in the letter, things i can give don mean the thing she want... she like someone low temper, i think i die there liao.... dui bu qi :(  i have try hard to control.... but in the eyes of people its always never enough.... sorry people i never ever meant any harm... 

dilemma eh.....  i know one way can solve her problem..... but its hard to make that move..... i'm caught in between too.... i wanted the best for her :) i don want to see her suffer... i know she is a very strong women.... i still know of another way, but, that will make me a very bad person..... well if that make her more confirm of what she wanted to decide..... i don mind becoming the bad guy ........

ni hui hen hao de....  yin wei, zai ni de sheng ming li, you ge nan ren yuan yi wei ni fu chu. sometime in my life i sometime stop and wonder, why i cannot be this or that..... and at some point in life i realize i am born to entertain people around me.... but never really happy myself.....?????? confuse......

deddy and i have the same thinking... but i understand from certain part in him, is more reality. for me is like dream dream dream.... i needed someone to be detail to lead me..... coz i can thinking far and really big. just don know how i should put it in use....

I NO NEED SOMEONE TO COMPLETE ME..... I NEED SOMEONE TO ACCEPT ME COMPLETELY.... 

011111 0230hrs....

when you hug me, your head on my chest. i feel you..... i know you were crying.... i feel very sad.... but i cannot cry.... i don know why......  i am very sorry that your relative have become like this..... i wanna wish to the LORD to ease your pain....  believe the LORD have the power to everything.... i love hugging you.... i can feel you feel very safe when you hug me......

i do understand, what you have become today...... i understand the situation you been through to what you have become today.... i cannot blame you... i cant blame you..... i am too much into you...... sorry.... i really cant help falling for you....

I have been very loyal to my instructor though he had been jail for thing he committed. for me, he is a father figure to me. i use to say i will uphold my knightly vow.... when i am with you, i really feel that vow comes back to me. words just cannot express my feeling....

The moment, i step down the bed... watching you sleeping, i couldn't sleep though sleepy.... i really feel if i ever go you will be left behind.... i wanted to see you everyday..... touch you feel you hug you......

somehow i know you are confuse..... i wouldn't dare to overstep my boundary.... i am so scare to lose you as my friend..... but, if i continue treating you as a friend. you will be gone one day. If i overstep my boundary, i am scare, i will lose you forever..... i am hurt.....

But for a knight, i will die with no regret. protecting my love one, comrade, my LORD, the defenseless, animal..... i can be very tough even without training..... coz my mind keep pushing my WILL limit....

None in this world will ever know me anymore..... coz the mask i wear on, is to give not take.... for i am the steel in-front of you.... none shall ever hurt you..... for my life is to give....never selfish.... i really have nothing.... but the purest heart i have for you......

I don know if ever a force so great.... to even break me down.... that force must have come from you..... if ever that day come.... pls forgive me...hug me tight one last time before you let go your hand on me......

021111 1613hrs

if you think you love a person.... truth is you just love the person idea.... loving with everything in you. is to empower the other person the right to do damage to you..... if you ever know my heart, pls try not to kill it. coz its just so weak.... it cannot be hurt anymore..... i really am interested in you.... if you don have any slight feeling for me.... pls don lead on.... coz its very painful....

021111 0944hrs

i think she knows..... but somehow i don know if she know or not..... i somehow is able to keep this up.... just don know how it goes anymore..... i don wanna let it go, but, each time prove otherwise...

am i not worthy??? i think i will slow down for a while.... in her heart there's someone else, what to do.... i should bless her.... God will have a way in this.....  what i can do is very limited.... she said before not to pressure her, in fact i have a little.....

its ok, i will have to move on..... i know it hurt but what to do?? life is full of unexpected.... just when i think i fall into it. but to realise its too early..... i don know anymore.   i wanna be alone for awhile.....

i saw it some where about a sentence people wrote. its "True love is what you want the person to be good,  not about wanting the person" sigh i cannot understand.....somehow a little bit..

WILL of steel.

on 17 oct 2011, night time. i was drunk once in my whole entire life.... i used to challeng myself and friend, saying i wont be drunk even i don drink, somehow i was drunk that night crying my heart out.... jackson and Ian was with me. i feel very dizzy, clearly i was very clear in my mind though drunk.

i push myself to the limit that how far i go..... true enough, i was awake shortly within one hour of pushing my WILL.... i ask them to question me a lots thing. so i answer according in my current state.. though dizzy heavy in mind. i am able to complete the task i give myself. i remember every single thing i have said that night...

friday night 28 oct 2011, i was out with alvin dinner... i told him that. he was telling me. wo dui bu qi zi ji.. i let down my inner self pushing myself how far i can go..... i was awake by his word... God sorry for all i was trying by myself did not let you come in that night...

i know i will get hurt again, but, i wont live to regret my life.... giving my all to a person a just knew merely in weeks, in human context thats stupidity. but, i know i wont live to regret... i wanted to love her increasingly, somehow when she is gone. in my heart i really miss her. somehow i would say, i really starting to treat her like my own....

 nobody in my family seem to understand how i feel. they will always take my elder brother words. but not me, i am not in the position talking making decision. i cannot influence them.

if you see this post, and the lady by the name starting with "SYLVIA" is the one i am mentioning. i want you to live better than anyone else i have come to know. i will pray to God take away all the danger you may encounter in fututre. i will take it from you... let all good things happen to you... :)

How to know i in love?

i feel for this girl.... but, i really don know how i should say? i like how the way she react. her reaction. the way she think, but i don know if thats what i looking for in a women...

i just feel sad..... why??? why the ^%$# i cannot get the hell out of my mental state.. its coming to 3 month after the break up. am i too soon falling in love again? or am i just not ready.... i am really confuse... what to do??.....

she seem too warm yet still cold towards me....i really don know.... why am i so weak in my mental now??? why do i still feel sad??? guess the break up have tremendous effect on me.... i am not the person i used to be... fast on thinking good analyzing..... all these point is like gone.... yet sometime it become very powerful..... what is happening to me???  i was being reject in 1997. the one i love so much.... i was thinking of her sometime..... rejecting is a very powerful negative forces.... i really want to be the person i used to be..... how can i become a better yet upgraded version of myself??

i really given my all... till nothing i have to give.... why do you still deny me.. do you know that really hurt?

comrade jackson

today i came to know that my comrade jackson in love liao :) good my brother. i will be praying that this relationship will be the best one for you :)

Its painful...

Deep in my heart..... i wish i love you again..... but on my heart its never the same you again.... after the fall... i am so tired and weak to stand up again..... i thought i fall in love, but alway a wrong person...

if i think it in a good way, its God planning is to come for me. but if its bad, i cant never love a person again. why does it have to happened like this???? oh well...... i say i never want to give my true heart away anymore... but each time i fail to do it.... why am i so weak? ....

211011 1641HRS

if tomorrow is the end of world, and you have just broken someone heart and found a new love. will you be with your ex or the new love????  and if your ex is willing to die for you but you reject. If your new love don even love you to the extend you expect for..... will you be heart broken as well?  for i am weak i cannot understand.... i wanted to be in love again but not now. i feel a little unstable yet......

If i fall in love again, that will be my last......

loving someone...

One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, loving someone else

hurt bad...

:( :( :( :( :(

why???     am i????????  worthless???????     thank you for eveything and everything.........

i realise i cannot love anymore...... really....... am i to go for my calling...... ?????    i am so not ready......../????   i am becoming a shadow of my former self....... i miss you miss you miss you miss you.......

I really have give everything............ why????...............????.........  you left.........????? i wont love anyone anymore........ not because i lost you......... because i have lost MYSELF....... so much........ so much i cannot take it very very very very very very very very very very very very very very deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep down in my heart.............  i wish i can be taken away ok ???????......... why stilllllllll painful??????????? ................ pain pain pain pain pain pain.......... loving a person that you not suppose to love........ i cannot control........ i am very stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.................

God give me wisdom.... pls why am i so fucking stupid?????? aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

you have already decided to be with who in the start... why lead me on??????

爱？？？

为什么会爱到那么的辛苦。。。？？？？？？？ 我会练习戴上面具。。。 不再为谁付出真心。。。。

我动了情

我没想到我居然动了心。。。。

061011 1640hrs

I am sick for few days already freaking sick..... fever flu cough..... sigh............ why ?????

i have not see a doctor yet. i wanna hold on till really cannot take it then go see doc...

sick plus heart ache really pain in the ass....

.....................

How can after 7 years of relationship, you can fall in love with someone within week? and says its only after our breakup????



how do you want me to believe this? thats too fast. it only mean one thing... you don love me anymore from years ago. stop telling the world that because my temper and my weakness cos you to do this...


obviously you have all this planned and all. using my weakness to make you feel better for leaving me for another man. you are like all the other person.

love????

I love you till i cannot be myself anymore.but someone deny that love.................. how hurtful.................

I have to say something so nasty just to complete what you have started. (break up)

if you got any idea it hurt like fuck....... like till no tomorrow...... you should be proud that i reject girls for you not because i cant get them. coz for YOU.......

3rd party is so fucked......... kelvin ng... be sure god never let me see you......

????

why have it come to this? Oh god give me a reason i'm down on bended knee.............

what have you become?

you been nice and all but very unforgiving.... say you forgive in the end you keep in your heart. when in arguement you bring out all the past. is this the way you forgive?

when god forgive people and he say i can forgive you but cannot forget what you did. then what will you think? forgive is everything. but you just don wanna to talk... i send the sms just to kill your heart. coz i want you to be even more confirm that our relationship is over.

come to think to it. all our issue can be overcome. but you bait out, that not it, you simply break up out of your emotion stress and mess up. don even know what you wanted in this relationship. today if you are me, and your temper and your stress. i for sure will tell you, you have already kill yourself.... think im joking?

when you say you did it on purpose, why is it you come to this point without even talking to me. you always assume thats the way which in fact, its not. keeping silent is not good and wanting me to sense what you have in your mind its total unacceptable. i am no GOD.....

you say i say cruel things to you. so what are the cruel thing? you believe it or not i did not meant to hurt you. but you keep saying i am hurting you.... now how you want me to say????  the way you break up its total freaking heart breaking for me. 3 weeks you have a new guy.... stop telling me that you have feeling for him after our break up. coz thats totally a LIE.... why since you have known him for years plus, if you have not taken interest in him, how is it possible to develop feeling so fast? i really cannot understand.

don say i love myself more than you. coz you really don know. if i am willing to sacrifice my life for you. it mean you are so important to me. you deny that when you know the truth. it hurt me even more when you say now nothing happened so you don need my protection. everyone have weakness. don always look at the weakness. you say i mind your facial paraylsis? how so???? you say i never help much in your operation? how you want me to help??? 

you feel insecure with me, when i ask you what am i suppose to do to make you feel secure? you say you don know.... all this are because your are mess up emotionall, which can be settle after a cool period but, you choose to leave.

lets say if we are married, and this happened are you going to divorce? or try to salvage the love we once hold so dear to? that day you yourself know i am trying to save our relationship. you freaking knew it but you just step on it. pressing my heart on the ground then stepping on it with great force..

worst part is that you know i have improvment but not good enough for you????  since you already know i have change but why did you have to put this onto me?  i saw our past years SMS, you were saying "i dunna break up, mei mei and missy saying sorry to bee bee and wang wang" now tellin you cannot accept me after 7 years you fail trying to change me?

i never ever try to change you in any fact. but in fact there's one thing about you really need to change. thats your mentality. you are so narrow minded. you just simply cannot open up your mind to think otherwise. all these years when you want thing your ways have i ever abuse you to that extend? yes i may be angry for a while but after that i will be good wont i?

and why i angry? is still all the pressure around me you my family.... but you only will understand fom your point of view why it only must be you... you just cannot stand on my point. today if your mother is the one having problem with me. all thing are the same how would you feel and handle that?  are you able to give me a perfect answer? don you think you will have that anger in you too? and where there's no other option for you the ventilate your emotion, where can you go???

so what happened to you when i can tell you infront of your face "i don give a fuck o your mother anymore" doesn't it will hurt the one you love and you? have you ever think in this point? if you have give me a better choice. 7 years of relationship ended the way it shouldn't have....
sex life... in the start did i told you about i really have high sex drive.... we use to have 3 to 4 time a week. but recent years, we start to have once a week. in this area you always say i freak horny and want you to blow me when im playing game or when you are tired. this are not that hurting thing to do. did i not ask yu if you are tired???? and your thinking is "if i don blow you i will get angry" hey you are simply trying to make things worst.

whatever it is, i know there's no hope anymore in regard of our relationship.... just wanted you to know, you are always using things i hurt you in the past to hurt me back without knowing it yourself. kenix diane..... and all. after your operation, you regain your confidence. what you lack once you are ready to full force all out to get it. and forgotten our happy time together. the missing you part all have gone. i know i have said hurtful thing to you. but during heat arguement who don say hurtful thing? and all in all we don meant those hurtful words. but you take it so hard on yourself.

my love, both of us is in adult love not puppy love. if all thing problem above i mention was not settle, and what do you think will happened in our marriage life, it could have been worst.

..........

if u think u clean cut cutting of the relationship. why do u need to ask ur rebound boyfriend hide his face book and urs? doing something behind my back? feeling funny now?

YES coz u did something behind my back. and thats the reason.....

......

send me a msg to my facebook, saying that i accepted her facial paraylsis is so BIG THING....

coz now you have regain your confidence and you and a guy with you all beautiful thing become bad....

if you are normal find facial paraylsis boyfriend and take him out see if your heart is BIG enough.....

using my weakness killing me everything you can think of, you use it against ME. JOSEPHINE CHUA you WILL FOR SURE REGRET HOW YOU TREAT ME TODAY NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER REGRET WITH YOUR REBOUND BOYFRIEND NOW.

YOU WILL REGRET I KNOW IT. YOU USE ME AS A FUCKING STEPPING STONE. AFTER YOU FIX YOUR FACE, YOU THINK YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL? THINK AGAIN ITS GOD THAT GIVE YOU THE CHANCE TO SMILE NORMALLY AGAIN DON YOU EVER FORGET THAT. USE GOD NAME IN VAIN. ITS A MISTAKE YOU HAVE DONE. IF YOUR FACE FALL BACK INTO YOUR FORMER SHADOW PLS DO NOT CRY. COZ GOOD THING GOD GIVE YOU ACCEPT, BAD THING FROM GOD YOU ALSO HAVE TO ACCEPT.

.......

其實我非常愛你　不想失去你　難道我沒有權利說我不願意　你給了他的吻　雖然只有餘溫　可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很愛你　你怕他傷心　我每天假裝開心　害怕你離去　可不可以任性　求求你不要去　藏在我心裡　最後一句　其實還愛你

痛的感覺證明了愛的深淺

Heartache again.... :(

today morning when i wake up... i rub my eyes, i feel something wet at the corner of my eyes... TEARS.... now i remember. before i sleep, i have heartache again...... i don know why......

i am not like i use to be.... though at work infron of friends i am normal... but none understand and will not know whats deep down in my heart.... :( i feel kinda a sour feeling something not pain but just cramp feeling in my heart..... i lost my soul in a way....

it takes a long time for me to trust a person. if it comes to a person i love its fixed forever but things happened..... ............... ........... ............. .......... ............. ..............................

giving it up sound easy. but not easy when you really have to. none my buddy is away for like 2 month i am so alone even surrounded by people...... my heart is so freaking weak...... why??????

i want to be strong pls God make my heart strong :)  today i play games again..... finally after one month plus i slowly play it back.... i was playing god of war. a game i play way back in 2005. someone brought for me as birthday present. as i play lots of memories came back i stop.....

i cannot play game like i used to be. almost every games i play have many memory with someone......

aching again....... i want to stop this.... i want to go back to my usual life.... i want to be alive once more.

i never though this aching and be so painful.......

i have become lesser me..... i was being put back to my former shadow......

:(

why do i still miss her????? why is it i cannot get over? is it coz still fresh? i don wanna have this feeling.....

recently i keep remembering all those good memory of her..... things we have fun laugh, cry sad.

5th weekend without her..... i miss that hug..... i know she is happily hugging another guy now, weekend better than the past. holding hand running around. thinking of that make my life very misrable. but i have to step on the gas. i cannot get left behind.

kissing a guy after breaking up in lesser than 2 week. what a girl......

don forget that i love you as you are. most of your friend are all your same kind..... but i will step out of it. when i get serious, i wont hesitate to charge infront, even it mean death.....

pressing on the weakness of a person..... fuck up reason to use. hurt me like no tomorrow.....

If you see this

If you see this... i'm going to move on... Pls do really take care of yourself.... you always wanted to share your dream with me. i know... but what about mine??? its always about you you you. i will try not to shed tears for you anymore...... tears are for someone i would die for now on..... today... i wrote this with a heavy heart.

all this while, everything i do, i do it for you. but, you really don see it in my point. always my temper always my vulgar always my weakness. fine..... make sure you don have weakness.... if you have pray about that. coz God make you this way..... God knows you. Be strong on your self-esteem... if you really cant do it.... it will cost you even more.... bye......

Things just don work out...

why all just don work out? Loving a person with all become null when she just give up....... i cannot understand why. as much as i wanted to know. she cut it off.

WHY WONT YOU JUST TALK????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

If i am the one to say break off, and after 7 years i tell you i cannot accept your face, will you find it unacceptable????? and when i cut off communication not a chance for you to say a thing. will u be happy? things you do now is clearly clouded. But, you already started a new relationship just weeks after break off. clearly you don LOVE me anymore... Since you know him for a year.... i would say you have this all planned.

You say you will become soft hearted when talk to me. but, since u are so confirm wanted to break up then why soft hearted? confuse isn't it? remember how we felt in love? remember all things? now it become all ugly..... i just cannot bring myself to say "i hate you" those words never were in my heart......

i really hope you can consider it properly. coz it will be very difficult to go on, when you finally realise that you have been clouded.

I protected you from all things. i don give a damn how others look at me. its you.... i cant let people mock you or insult you. most of my friend know i will give my life up just too protect you. but you chose to leave...
its a very cruel and very hard reset for me..................

change??

today i understand 7 years ago someone heart is there. but 7 years later when after people she met and influence. her heart have change...... things we need change.....

Why does it still hurt.......

Deep in me i know it hurt like HELL no worst than HELL..... i am alright for a while but it keeps coming back.... someone have move on..... it hurt......

.................

certainly when the time comes...... people regret what they done.... for me though pain still i have to move on... hurricane is name after woman name.... if you know what i meant.

i thought i have get over with..... love the wrong fucking person..... hurt my fucking heart..... let's see if it last....

ah wang a character born in me die in me.  forever never ever return. sometime though at night, i speak as ah wang its even more painful..... slowly picking up my heart..... i move..... slowly.... GOD take this pain away PLS....

i wish i never met you.... steal my heart and break it to millions.....

how you fall in love with me????

you say i talk well remember????? xiao ding dang --- bian ren *ahwang* voice. you say you want to take me home to feed me and you say i very cute.....

Shi Tou---- when i wake up......

A grey world.....

I'm quite sad about the world of mine........ but God assure it that my personality is a perfect one...  coz God create me know me love me. never ever forsake me.

My life is in a bit mess up right now..... painful as it is.....

with everything.

With everything i have to give. with every strenght i have to give. all but gone..... stil very heart broken though.... God Pls renew my heart..... renew to be new again...... the hurt SO DEEP..... i cannot take it.

someone have move on..... i will too but i am slow much more slower than someone.....

Now i know guy fall in love much more deeper than woman....... i read it somewhere before. now i know it..... and nw i taste it......

why do all have to be like this.... weekend better than past??? still want to anger me more? what type of women is this? someone........ be sure you really harden your heart till you never soften, coz if you do..... you will regret..... for real.... God know it....

you deny God.... God give you whatever you ask for and you did this to his child???? God in heaven feel my pain....... and he will put you through test see if you are able to go through it.....

GOD IS SO SO SO REAL........

The woman i love

15 aug 2011 -1139am.... sms detail... time to go separate ways dear.....

i was heart broken..... with everything i love her with every of my last strenght i love her.
never was i is changing her. i never ever wanted to change her.

for her is she trying to change me. which i am very helpless... i give in to her everytime but she think that she is the one always giving in to me. 

josephine chua.... you really totally break me. so badly that my tears, would actually tear apart the world into two.... lets face the truth... i know you will regret what you have done to me..... i will not hope for you to come back anymore... i will not even beg you.... never never ever.....

2004 you been through hell.... crying and beg me to come back to you..... i was very sad and i understand your pain... thats why i promise myself i love you with all.

but since you know that pain, you do it to me. and you know i will feel even more worst than you.... hear me..

i am not cursing you. even you have a rebound relationship. you will regret.... think i say it out of anger?? NO...coz your mind is always narrow..... don believe me.... find out yourself. and when you do, make sure you don regret what you have done to me on 15 aug 2011.

for i will never forget what you done to me... 15 aug 2011 1139am. this guilt will follow you forever in you. and when you eat your own medicine again. that guy will push you to your max till you cant breath.... then you will start thinking why you do it to me on 15 aug 2011......

be gone........

its not i don understand

i understand you are feeling stress, pls my dear, you have to let go and tell mi how you feeling inside out.

through out all these years, you always have the shadow in your heart on how i have hurt you. i'm sorry and you still have the shadow in you. how can i ever vanish that shadow in your heart.

think slowly, i do all thing is all for you. to be honest to you in god name. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU EVER KNOW. but, you give it up. i know you feel stress talking to me and feel very low about yourself. i never ever despite you in anyway. whether you are sick or healthy, i never forsake you. because GOD never forsake you and me.

Did you ever know when you say you see improvement in me and you say not enough? you have already destory my heart so badly in comparing the time i hurt you. never in my life i change for people. only you.....

i know your heart is dead for me....... i go to cellgroup just to see if the place is comfotable for you. coz i want you to go back to GOD. if you ever remember before, i was never a believer. but after i trust in the LORD. i take my time to change. i understand the deep cut i've given you. but, i want you to go back to GOD  be it with you yourself or with someone esle.

GOD love you and me. the bible you give mi. it writes. let's grow in the LORD together.....

loneliness

why is my world always in grey color? why am i always misundestood?. i always care for someone. but someone really don understand me. i give in and take a step back, i even eat my pride. but people still trying to destory the earth.....

why??? why do people don care anymore? i love animal. the love i have for them is even greater than the love i love myself..  why people still want to abuse them?

i love people, but people don love me. i'm willing to give up lot more thing to help people. but, where are the love of the people?

why i do certain things people don care?

long time.

Hey im back, so many things have change since last year. my honda esi scrap, i missed that car. now im driving suzuki liana (aerio). well, i don know how to start it off. its too overwheming. next post maybe.

sorry for that.