101111 1557hrs

yesterday in ym, bao bei say she still got feeling for that guy.... i sad sad ....... i don know..... but one thing i do know is i really like bao bei.....
in the ktv we hug 2 time..... first is when the song i don wanna miss a thing. i hug bao bei while trying to sing haha.... in the corner of my eye... i could see bao bei glancing at me haha... we talk about our relationship.... bao bei was quiet... i know something.... i feel it.... i really thank God for giving me this power to feel people... but this time i feel like it is also a curse.... bao bei heart is not with me..... my heart was crying actually.....

second time the song play ah qin qishi hai ai ni.... i officially ask bao bei to be my girlfriend.... but bao bei..........  my heart cry the second time..... i know its very hard on her now...... bao bei say we got many differences..... i know that.... i also scare to hurt bao bei..... i cannot step in or out..... i feel pain........

last night when bao bei say when kissig me she did not replace him as me.... i actually knew that was from the heart..... i very happy because bao bei actually said it :)

i told bao bei, i will retreat.... coz i don want bao bei to be difficult on this.... i told her she need to clear the cloud without me.... as it wont affect her decision..... one thing i know is that bao bei door are still open..... i also have the fear.... if that guy suddenly do everything what bao bei ask.....  somehow bao bei will consider....  love is always selfish.... he understood bao bei very well, for i don know yet... for that bao bei will go back.... i understand somehow you like me too bao bei. but like you say we have many differences
i am afraid i cannot keep up....even if i can keep up but for how long??? i am afraid of myself.... the more i see you the more i falling for you....

today we eat breakfast heh heh first time from a long long time... bao bei mind wonder around.... i see in her eyes....

091111 2008hrs

Yesterday i and bao bei went to hougang plaza ktv haha..... i sing some songs for my bao bei :) she kiss me :)....... i am happy....... before that we went to lavendar food court eat...

she give me lian ou to eat which in my life i never tasted before..... though i don like, i still eat ..... when i wanted to cut into little pieces to eat, she don let haha.... but stil i cut heh heh...

after the ktv, i went to her house to get my shirt :).... we hug hug heh heh..... i am happy..... i wear the new shirt i happy :)  ............ thanks bao bei :).......

my heart for you grew day by day...... :) i wish to my LORD.... give me the strength to hang in there..... bao bei be sure i will be here as you need me.... :) i know what that guy do..... i wanted to teach him a lesson.... but just now in ym. you say you cannot erase the memory like this.... i understand..... i withdraw what i say.... sorry if you feel pressure........

081111 0204hrs

bao bei sometime i really think if you would miss me? :) ...... i really miss you so much :)......

bao bei this is for you :)......

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

071111 2222hrs

bao bei is on her way back le :) i am happy..... she buy shirt for me :) heh heh... hug hug you :)

somehow today i cannot feel her :( why?...... somehow i feel her :).... why?.....

strange feeling :(  why?......

051111 0019hrs

bao bei must be in her dream land le haha..... sweet dream bao bei.... your knight is watching over you :) no one can harm you de..... :) 

041111 2349hrs

tomorrow you will be going to KL... enjoy your trip :) i wanted to see you so much today.... but i scare you very tired.... :) i have missed you so much..... i don know anymore if i can hang in there.... :) but its ok ......:) as long you are comfortable i am happy :)

Today i in the cell group but my comrade alvin not here... he at oversea working... i pray for him and his girl
en qi just now.... :) ..

I miss you  so terribly much....... :(  i cannot concentrate...... :( sigh.............  i understand you want bread over love.... i know how you been through....  but if i only got a pure heart for you?? will you accept me??? do you know when you say about what your requirement is, and about you like low temper person, and you say you know early stage about us le.... i am very sad..... i know i am so weak on that part. that moment... i was like cannot say further le.....

everytime i hug you..... i feel my soul is renew :) i feel like 95% of myself came back :) right after i send you home.... i become like 50% of myself.... today i think i am only 25% of myself.... sorry :(

now i think i even less for i know i cannot see you for the next 3 days.......  what can i do??? 

wise man say..... only fool rush in.... but i cant help falling in love with you.......
shall i stay?? would it be a sin??? but i cant help falling in love with you....
take my hand... take my whole life too... but i cant help falling in love with you....

when i see you thats where my heart is.... :) i like it when i say something, you look at me and listen :) when i return your look... i know you are thinking though not accepting everything. and you stood your ground :)

041111 1817hrs

Yesterday i go with her labrador park :) i am happy..... deep in my heart i really so happy :) i never feel as such for a very long time..... :) same time i feel her still holding on.... i know what's your concern.....

Erm..... i will be here ok?... even in future we may or may not be together..... wo zhi dao ni hui hen hao de.... i am really afraid of failing you.... ke shi, yi ci you yi ci wo men jian mian, wo jiu yi ci you yi ci de xian de shen yi dian.... wo hao pa wo bu neng chu lai.... Wo shi zhen de xi huan ni :) you pa dao bu liao ni de jin jie...... thank you for yesterday dinner... i see you wash cloth, cook, wash dish.... hey i really like that.... i want to wash it together with you :)

each time we see each other, im always so excited :) i'm always looking forward to see you everytime..... i wonder do you feel the same? why do i have to come to know you so late????

bao bei, why not we become an item first and you can still look for the perfect one? will it be better for you?? i know its must be hard on you too.... but, i just want you to know that, if ever you found one, pls let me know ok??? :) don hide away from me ok? :)


i tell you something, in my eyes and in my heart, i really like the thing you do... your normal daily life i mean :) then again your standard is different :) i really don want to iron out my heart just yet..... i just want to feel you around :) i have been someone knight before..... but they don treasure it..... i really wish you can take this bond to a whole new level.... let me just be here.... :) being around with you is actually the happiest moment of my day..... i know i'm being greedy i want it everyday.....

even it cant be everyday..... i'm still happy if we keep in contact :) i am really happy when you say want me to meet your mother :) really i am happy :) i have lost my sword and shield due to the past. what i left is only my knight's armor..... if i ever lost you, i know i have lost all my knight property... then i would have lost all thing in me.... never will i take up my knight armor, sword , and shield.....

sorry for being sound so weak..... just trying to express myself best as i can.... its been a little tough for me to keep up with you.... coz you are just so unique..... all i ever wanted is you to be happy and all....

031111 1600hrs

i was chatting with her in YM. :) i happy, she busy but still try talk to me :)... i feel heavy coz she got hard time thinking??? how to make her happy??/  i guess i have to step down a little don pressure her...

its like what i wrote in the letter, things i can give don mean the thing she want... she like someone low temper, i think i die there liao.... dui bu qi :(  i have try hard to control.... but in the eyes of people its always never enough.... sorry people i never ever meant any harm... 

dilemma eh.....  i know one way can solve her problem..... but its hard to make that move..... i'm caught in between too.... i wanted the best for her :) i don want to see her suffer... i know she is a very strong women.... i still know of another way, but, that will make me a very bad person..... well if that make her more confirm of what she wanted to decide..... i don mind becoming the bad guy ........

ni hui hen hao de....  yin wei, zai ni de sheng ming li, you ge nan ren yuan yi wei ni fu chu. sometime in my life i sometime stop and wonder, why i cannot be this or that..... and at some point in life i realize i am born to entertain people around me.... but never really happy myself.....?????? confuse......

deddy and i have the same thinking... but i understand from certain part in him, is more reality. for me is like dream dream dream.... i needed someone to be detail to lead me..... coz i can thinking far and really big. just don know how i should put it in use....

I NO NEED SOMEONE TO COMPLETE ME..... I NEED SOMEONE TO ACCEPT ME COMPLETELY.... 

011111 0230hrs....

when you hug me, your head on my chest. i feel you..... i know you were crying.... i feel very sad.... but i cannot cry.... i don know why......  i am very sorry that your relative have become like this..... i wanna wish to the LORD to ease your pain....  believe the LORD have the power to everything.... i love hugging you.... i can feel you feel very safe when you hug me......

i do understand, what you have become today...... i understand the situation you been through to what you have become today.... i cannot blame you... i cant blame you..... i am too much into you...... sorry.... i really cant help falling for you....

I have been very loyal to my instructor though he had been jail for thing he committed. for me, he is a father figure to me. i use to say i will uphold my knightly vow.... when i am with you, i really feel that vow comes back to me. words just cannot express my feeling....

The moment, i step down the bed... watching you sleeping, i couldn't sleep though sleepy.... i really feel if i ever go you will be left behind.... i wanted to see you everyday..... touch you feel you hug you......

somehow i know you are confuse..... i wouldn't dare to overstep my boundary.... i am so scare to lose you as my friend..... but, if i continue treating you as a friend. you will be gone one day. If i overstep my boundary, i am scare, i will lose you forever..... i am hurt.....

But for a knight, i will die with no regret. protecting my love one, comrade, my LORD, the defenseless, animal..... i can be very tough even without training..... coz my mind keep pushing my WILL limit....

None in this world will ever know me anymore..... coz the mask i wear on, is to give not take.... for i am the steel in-front of you.... none shall ever hurt you..... for my life is to give....never selfish.... i really have nothing.... but the purest heart i have for you......

I don know if ever a force so great.... to even break me down.... that force must have come from you..... if ever that day come.... pls forgive me...hug me tight one last time before you let go your hand on me......

021111 1613hrs

if you think you love a person.... truth is you just love the person idea.... loving with everything in you. is to empower the other person the right to do damage to you..... if you ever know my heart, pls try not to kill it. coz its just so weak.... it cannot be hurt anymore..... i really am interested in you.... if you don have any slight feeling for me.... pls don lead on.... coz its very painful....

021111 0944hrs

i think she knows..... but somehow i don know if she know or not..... i somehow is able to keep this up.... just don know how it goes anymore..... i don wanna let it go, but, each time prove otherwise...

am i not worthy??? i think i will slow down for a while.... in her heart there's someone else, what to do.... i should bless her.... God will have a way in this.....  what i can do is very limited.... she said before not to pressure her, in fact i have a little.....

its ok, i will have to move on..... i know it hurt but what to do?? life is full of unexpected.... just when i think i fall into it. but to realise its too early..... i don know anymore.   i wanna be alone for awhile.....

i saw it some where about a sentence people wrote. its "True love is what you want the person to be good,  not about wanting the person" sigh i cannot understand.....somehow a little bit..

WILL of steel.

on 17 oct 2011, night time. i was drunk once in my whole entire life.... i used to challeng myself and friend, saying i wont be drunk even i don drink, somehow i was drunk that night crying my heart out.... jackson and Ian was with me. i feel very dizzy, clearly i was very clear in my mind though drunk.

i push myself to the limit that how far i go..... true enough, i was awake shortly within one hour of pushing my WILL.... i ask them to question me a lots thing. so i answer according in my current state.. though dizzy heavy in mind. i am able to complete the task i give myself. i remember every single thing i have said that night...

friday night 28 oct 2011, i was out with alvin dinner... i told him that. he was telling me. wo dui bu qi zi ji.. i let down my inner self pushing myself how far i can go..... i was awake by his word... God sorry for all i was trying by myself did not let you come in that night...

i know i will get hurt again, but, i wont live to regret my life.... giving my all to a person a just knew merely in weeks, in human context thats stupidity. but, i know i wont live to regret... i wanted to love her increasingly, somehow when she is gone. in my heart i really miss her. somehow i would say, i really starting to treat her like my own....

 nobody in my family seem to understand how i feel. they will always take my elder brother words. but not me, i am not in the position talking making decision. i cannot influence them.

if you see this post, and the lady by the name starting with "SYLVIA" is the one i am mentioning. i want you to live better than anyone else i have come to know. i will pray to God take away all the danger you may encounter in fututre. i will take it from you... let all good things happen to you... :)

How to know i in love?

i feel for this girl.... but, i really don know how i should say? i like how the way she react. her reaction. the way she think, but i don know if thats what i looking for in a women...

i just feel sad..... why??? why the ^%$# i cannot get the hell out of my mental state.. its coming to 3 month after the break up. am i too soon falling in love again? or am i just not ready.... i am really confuse... what to do??.....

she seem too warm yet still cold towards me....i really don know.... why am i so weak in my mental now??? why do i still feel sad??? guess the break up have tremendous effect on me.... i am not the person i used to be... fast on thinking good analyzing..... all these point is like gone.... yet sometime it become very powerful..... what is happening to me???  i was being reject in 1997. the one i love so much.... i was thinking of her sometime..... rejecting is a very powerful negative forces.... i really want to be the person i used to be..... how can i become a better yet upgraded version of myself??

i really given my all... till nothing i have to give.... why do you still deny me.. do you know that really hurt?

comrade jackson

today i came to know that my comrade jackson in love liao :) good my brother. i will be praying that this relationship will be the best one for you :)

Its painful...

Deep in my heart..... i wish i love you again..... but on my heart its never the same you again.... after the fall... i am so tired and weak to stand up again..... i thought i fall in love, but alway a wrong person...

if i think it in a good way, its God planning is to come for me. but if its bad, i cant never love a person again. why does it have to happened like this???? oh well...... i say i never want to give my true heart away anymore... but each time i fail to do it.... why am i so weak? ....

211011 1641HRS

if tomorrow is the end of world, and you have just broken someone heart and found a new love. will you be with your ex or the new love????  and if your ex is willing to die for you but you reject. If your new love don even love you to the extend you expect for..... will you be heart broken as well?  for i am weak i cannot understand.... i wanted to be in love again but not now. i feel a little unstable yet......

If i fall in love again, that will be my last......

loving someone...

One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, loving someone else

hurt bad...

:( :( :( :( :(

why???     am i????????  worthless???????     thank you for eveything and everything.........

i realise i cannot love anymore...... really....... am i to go for my calling...... ?????    i am so not ready......../????   i am becoming a shadow of my former self....... i miss you miss you miss you miss you.......

I really have give everything............ why????...............????.........  you left.........????? i wont love anyone anymore........ not because i lost you......... because i have lost MYSELF....... so much........ so much i cannot take it very very very very very very very very very very very very very very deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep down in my heart.............  i wish i can be taken away ok ???????......... why stilllllllll painful??????????? ................ pain pain pain pain pain pain.......... loving a person that you not suppose to love........ i cannot control........ i am very stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.................

God give me wisdom.... pls why am i so fucking stupid?????? aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

you have already decided to be with who in the start... why lead me on??????

爱？？？

为什么会爱到那么的辛苦。。。？？？？？？？ 我会练习戴上面具。。。 不再为谁付出真心。。。。

我动了情

我没想到我居然动了心。。。。

061011 1640hrs

I am sick for few days already freaking sick..... fever flu cough..... sigh............ why ?????

i have not see a doctor yet. i wanna hold on till really cannot take it then go see doc...

sick plus heart ache really pain in the ass....

.....................

How can after 7 years of relationship, you can fall in love with someone within week? and says its only after our breakup????



how do you want me to believe this? thats too fast. it only mean one thing... you don love me anymore from years ago. stop telling the world that because my temper and my weakness cos you to do this...


obviously you have all this planned and all. using my weakness to make you feel better for leaving me for another man. you are like all the other person.

love????

I love you till i cannot be myself anymore.but someone deny that love.................. how hurtful.................

I have to say something so nasty just to complete what you have started. (break up)

if you got any idea it hurt like fuck....... like till no tomorrow...... you should be proud that i reject girls for you not because i cant get them. coz for YOU.......

3rd party is so fucked......... kelvin ng... be sure god never let me see you......

????

why have it come to this? Oh god give me a reason i'm down on bended knee.............

what have you become?

you been nice and all but very unforgiving.... say you forgive in the end you keep in your heart. when in arguement you bring out all the past. is this the way you forgive?

when god forgive people and he say i can forgive you but cannot forget what you did. then what will you think? forgive is everything. but you just don wanna to talk... i send the sms just to kill your heart. coz i want you to be even more confirm that our relationship is over.

come to think to it. all our issue can be overcome. but you bait out, that not it, you simply break up out of your emotion stress and mess up. don even know what you wanted in this relationship. today if you are me, and your temper and your stress. i for sure will tell you, you have already kill yourself.... think im joking?

when you say you did it on purpose, why is it you come to this point without even talking to me. you always assume thats the way which in fact, its not. keeping silent is not good and wanting me to sense what you have in your mind its total unacceptable. i am no GOD.....

you say i say cruel things to you. so what are the cruel thing? you believe it or not i did not meant to hurt you. but you keep saying i am hurting you.... now how you want me to say????  the way you break up its total freaking heart breaking for me. 3 weeks you have a new guy.... stop telling me that you have feeling for him after our break up. coz thats totally a LIE.... why since you have known him for years plus, if you have not taken interest in him, how is it possible to develop feeling so fast? i really cannot understand.

don say i love myself more than you. coz you really don know. if i am willing to sacrifice my life for you. it mean you are so important to me. you deny that when you know the truth. it hurt me even more when you say now nothing happened so you don need my protection. everyone have weakness. don always look at the weakness. you say i mind your facial paraylsis? how so???? you say i never help much in your operation? how you want me to help??? 

you feel insecure with me, when i ask you what am i suppose to do to make you feel secure? you say you don know.... all this are because your are mess up emotionall, which can be settle after a cool period but, you choose to leave.

lets say if we are married, and this happened are you going to divorce? or try to salvage the love we once hold so dear to? that day you yourself know i am trying to save our relationship. you freaking knew it but you just step on it. pressing my heart on the ground then stepping on it with great force..

worst part is that you know i have improvment but not good enough for you????  since you already know i have change but why did you have to put this onto me?  i saw our past years SMS, you were saying "i dunna break up, mei mei and missy saying sorry to bee bee and wang wang" now tellin you cannot accept me after 7 years you fail trying to change me?

i never ever try to change you in any fact. but in fact there's one thing about you really need to change. thats your mentality. you are so narrow minded. you just simply cannot open up your mind to think otherwise. all these years when you want thing your ways have i ever abuse you to that extend? yes i may be angry for a while but after that i will be good wont i?

and why i angry? is still all the pressure around me you my family.... but you only will understand fom your point of view why it only must be you... you just cannot stand on my point. today if your mother is the one having problem with me. all thing are the same how would you feel and handle that?  are you able to give me a perfect answer? don you think you will have that anger in you too? and where there's no other option for you the ventilate your emotion, where can you go???

so what happened to you when i can tell you infront of your face "i don give a fuck o your mother anymore" doesn't it will hurt the one you love and you? have you ever think in this point? if you have give me a better choice. 7 years of relationship ended the way it shouldn't have....
sex life... in the start did i told you about i really have high sex drive.... we use to have 3 to 4 time a week. but recent years, we start to have once a week. in this area you always say i freak horny and want you to blow me when im playing game or when you are tired. this are not that hurting thing to do. did i not ask yu if you are tired???? and your thinking is "if i don blow you i will get angry" hey you are simply trying to make things worst.

whatever it is, i know there's no hope anymore in regard of our relationship.... just wanted you to know, you are always using things i hurt you in the past to hurt me back without knowing it yourself. kenix diane..... and all. after your operation, you regain your confidence. what you lack once you are ready to full force all out to get it. and forgotten our happy time together. the missing you part all have gone. i know i have said hurtful thing to you. but during heat arguement who don say hurtful thing? and all in all we don meant those hurtful words. but you take it so hard on yourself.

my love, both of us is in adult love not puppy love. if all thing problem above i mention was not settle, and what do you think will happened in our marriage life, it could have been worst.

..........

if u think u clean cut cutting of the relationship. why do u need to ask ur rebound boyfriend hide his face book and urs? doing something behind my back? feeling funny now?

YES coz u did something behind my back. and thats the reason.....

......

send me a msg to my facebook, saying that i accepted her facial paraylsis is so BIG THING....

coz now you have regain your confidence and you and a guy with you all beautiful thing become bad....

if you are normal find facial paraylsis boyfriend and take him out see if your heart is BIG enough.....

using my weakness killing me everything you can think of, you use it against ME. JOSEPHINE CHUA you WILL FOR SURE REGRET HOW YOU TREAT ME TODAY NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER REGRET WITH YOUR REBOUND BOYFRIEND NOW.

YOU WILL REGRET I KNOW IT. YOU USE ME AS A FUCKING STEPPING STONE. AFTER YOU FIX YOUR FACE, YOU THINK YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL? THINK AGAIN ITS GOD THAT GIVE YOU THE CHANCE TO SMILE NORMALLY AGAIN DON YOU EVER FORGET THAT. USE GOD NAME IN VAIN. ITS A MISTAKE YOU HAVE DONE. IF YOUR FACE FALL BACK INTO YOUR FORMER SHADOW PLS DO NOT CRY. COZ GOOD THING GOD GIVE YOU ACCEPT, BAD THING FROM GOD YOU ALSO HAVE TO ACCEPT.

.......

其實我非常愛你　不想失去你　難道我沒有權利說我不願意　你給了他的吻　雖然只有餘溫　可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很愛你　你怕他傷心　我每天假裝開心　害怕你離去　可不可以任性　求求你不要去　藏在我心裡　最後一句　其實還愛你

痛的感覺證明了愛的深淺

Heartache again.... :(

today morning when i wake up... i rub my eyes, i feel something wet at the corner of my eyes... TEARS.... now i remember. before i sleep, i have heartache again...... i don know why......

i am not like i use to be.... though at work infron of friends i am normal... but none understand and will not know whats deep down in my heart.... :( i feel kinda a sour feeling something not pain but just cramp feeling in my heart..... i lost my soul in a way....

it takes a long time for me to trust a person. if it comes to a person i love its fixed forever but things happened..... ............... ........... ............. .......... ............. ..............................

giving it up sound easy. but not easy when you really have to. none my buddy is away for like 2 month i am so alone even surrounded by people...... my heart is so freaking weak...... why??????

i want to be strong pls God make my heart strong :)  today i play games again..... finally after one month plus i slowly play it back.... i was playing god of war. a game i play way back in 2005. someone brought for me as birthday present. as i play lots of memories came back i stop.....

i cannot play game like i used to be. almost every games i play have many memory with someone......

aching again....... i want to stop this.... i want to go back to my usual life.... i want to be alive once more.

i never though this aching and be so painful.......

i have become lesser me..... i was being put back to my former shadow......

:(

why do i still miss her????? why is it i cannot get over? is it coz still fresh? i don wanna have this feeling.....

recently i keep remembering all those good memory of her..... things we have fun laugh, cry sad.

5th weekend without her..... i miss that hug..... i know she is happily hugging another guy now, weekend better than the past. holding hand running around. thinking of that make my life very misrable. but i have to step on the gas. i cannot get left behind.

kissing a guy after breaking up in lesser than 2 week. what a girl......

don forget that i love you as you are. most of your friend are all your same kind..... but i will step out of it. when i get serious, i wont hesitate to charge infront, even it mean death.....

pressing on the weakness of a person..... fuck up reason to use. hurt me like no tomorrow.....

If you see this

If you see this... i'm going to move on... Pls do really take care of yourself.... you always wanted to share your dream with me. i know... but what about mine??? its always about you you you. i will try not to shed tears for you anymore...... tears are for someone i would die for now on..... today... i wrote this with a heavy heart.

all this while, everything i do, i do it for you. but, you really don see it in my point. always my temper always my vulgar always my weakness. fine..... make sure you don have weakness.... if you have pray about that. coz God make you this way..... God knows you. Be strong on your self-esteem... if you really cant do it.... it will cost you even more.... bye......

Things just don work out...

why all just don work out? Loving a person with all become null when she just give up....... i cannot understand why. as much as i wanted to know. she cut it off.

WHY WONT YOU JUST TALK????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

If i am the one to say break off, and after 7 years i tell you i cannot accept your face, will you find it unacceptable????? and when i cut off communication not a chance for you to say a thing. will u be happy? things you do now is clearly clouded. But, you already started a new relationship just weeks after break off. clearly you don LOVE me anymore... Since you know him for a year.... i would say you have this all planned.

You say you will become soft hearted when talk to me. but, since u are so confirm wanted to break up then why soft hearted? confuse isn't it? remember how we felt in love? remember all things? now it become all ugly..... i just cannot bring myself to say "i hate you" those words never were in my heart......

i really hope you can consider it properly. coz it will be very difficult to go on, when you finally realise that you have been clouded.

I protected you from all things. i don give a damn how others look at me. its you.... i cant let people mock you or insult you. most of my friend know i will give my life up just too protect you. but you chose to leave...
its a very cruel and very hard reset for me..................

change??

today i understand 7 years ago someone heart is there. but 7 years later when after people she met and influence. her heart have change...... things we need change.....

Why does it still hurt.......

Deep in me i know it hurt like HELL no worst than HELL..... i am alright for a while but it keeps coming back.... someone have move on..... it hurt......

.................

certainly when the time comes...... people regret what they done.... for me though pain still i have to move on... hurricane is name after woman name.... if you know what i meant.

i thought i have get over with..... love the wrong fucking person..... hurt my fucking heart..... let's see if it last....

ah wang a character born in me die in me.  forever never ever return. sometime though at night, i speak as ah wang its even more painful..... slowly picking up my heart..... i move..... slowly.... GOD take this pain away PLS....

i wish i never met you.... steal my heart and break it to millions.....

how you fall in love with me????

you say i talk well remember????? xiao ding dang --- bian ren *ahwang* voice. you say you want to take me home to feed me and you say i very cute.....

Shi Tou---- when i wake up......

A grey world.....

I'm quite sad about the world of mine........ but God assure it that my personality is a perfect one...  coz God create me know me love me. never ever forsake me.

My life is in a bit mess up right now..... painful as it is.....

loneliness

why is my world always in grey color? why am i always misundestood?. i always care for someone. but someone really don understand me. i give in and take a step back, i even eat my pride. but people still trying to destory the earth.....

why??? why do people don care anymore? i love animal. the love i have for them is even greater than the love i love myself..  why people still want to abuse them?

i love people, but people don love me. i'm willing to give up lot more thing to help people. but, where are the love of the people?

why i do certain things people don care?

long time.

Hey im back, so many things have change since last year. my honda esi scrap, i missed that car. now im driving suzuki liana (aerio). well, i don know how to start it off. its too overwheming. next post maybe.

sorry for that.

disappointed

i am real disappointed by all this so called christian. they always think that they are right. they cannot think things on otherwise. they are fixed to their thinking. i would say this could be a bad thing. they never leave things open enough. they are to straight.

Do you think you know me?

I am sad real sad. honestly my girl does not know. pointless to say. she will always think i think she do not understand me. but one day my dear one day you will understand....................

Long time

long time since i blog lo... sigh so many fucking thing happened. what the fuck. why people like shit?

i have found myself a new cell group. not bad so far. i seem to feel them differently. God will see me through it i'm sure.... a year have past since people from GTC as in the church have failed me. do not talk about it to me.

Song

I recently listen to some oldies song. Man its so great. nowaday not many people, compose or sing song like that anymore.

Singer like Sam, Luo Da you, and many more old singer. they have more meaningful song than nowadays singer. song these days are like shit not all but some. even the are those with beautiful tune. rare are those song.

sam have a song name LANG ZI XIN SHEN. its very meaningful. listen to it think hard. you will feel the FEEL.

i know money is the key to survive. but i am to tell you that DO NOT value it more than your life. money can do you good vice versa it will do you evil. i am contend with what i have i wont strive to get what is not destinated for me. example like i want to be bill gate or obama. that can only be my dream. if i can its a bounous.

words

Let the gone be gone, but at least give me the courage to rekindle memory. the right to hug.

let me love you from the start again, like the blue sky always surrounded by the cloud.

A person with Kind heart, family man, loving father.

Hey comrade, today i help my comrade in army to repair his computer. the first time i knew him was back in year 2001. haha he was staff sgt that time.

well i must say that after all this years of complain and heat arguement. we get to know each other better perhap we treasure the friendship more.

i still remember that i don like him at all during a period of my army life, slowly back in 2004 i started to feel differently towards him. (i'm not gay) haha. he is very kind in heart. but handle people is always tough. after all this years i learn to accept peolpe as they accept me. i am more mature now....

Honestly i really miss the time in ADF during those days. but some people will be condem by me muhaha.... you know who la hahaha.

feel evey warm and cold in my heart

Hey just now i was surfing the net. i found some blog, i read and read and read. i realise that there's a lot people facing problem. be it big small. i mean i feel them.

happy marriage, trying hard to get a child and all. i see very much less fortunate people. but here we are aruging over fucking small thing, cannot unite as one. oh come on....

i always remember a sentence in chinese. i cant remember where i learn. i try to translate.

its like no matter how i feel about or worry bout my problem, if it compare to the problem of the world. mine is fucking nothing. thats is why i am so care free. i don care about how thing are fucking urgent. come on its a matter of how you take it. you can solve it by taking it easy or taking hard. which of it you choose???

if you kow what i mean.

welcome

long time no see friend. i don know whats wrong, but i felt some of my so call friend have change.
be it they are kid or who so ever. i am into deep thought lately very deep. i think i some how lose control of it.

kinda becoming crazy. but, i pull myself up again, take the hit and move forward.

Chee Bye jia wei

This is my friend jia wei, anyone pls do not trust him and his so call black magic. he is not trustworthy. he wil shit you upside down. i have know him for 13 years. his amulet shop is at blk 70 toa payoh. tell all people to avoid this shit shop. be fucking careful what he can do to you.

My Heart

Hey, i am heart broken don know why. but confirm its not love thingy. i just sad to see my friend ORD from the camp. Well, we have a geat time last year. i am also very happy for them. they found a job outside.

recently i met jackson, well he is doing great and all. met his grilfriend. hope and wish they have a happy ending. haidar the ali boy left last friday. kinda miss him too.

Fucking ass mother fucker

To all my friend, pls be sure that you shit the fucker gopalan, nick name bo lam par.
his blog...... singaporedissident.blogspot.com.

keep trying to shake things behind here. fuck you man. if you are so fucking brave come back here and say all those thing here. why stay in USA? shit you no baller. you are a shit ass.

if you want a war come back here. since you are a USA resident be good there stop striling things here. you can eat shit and die for all i care. so what singapore like this or that fuck offfffffffffffff....

make sure you dont come back singapore again. i don welcome you. over grown lizard.

My church

already 3 month since the incident. ok i will take it as God wanted me to change a location.

now i really angry with them all.

NO MERCY TO THEM.

I am the Fallen angel

I'm the fallen angel losing my religion, trying hard to fly.

I'm the fallen angel losing my religion, till i touch the SKY......

I am Sad

My heart is broken...... for i don know..... i....... s...a....d....

i am confuse. i am hurt. Tell me My Lord are you real? many many many many things happened to me you sure you don know?

i know i should not have doubt you. but, how..... many many things happened.... tell me my lord jesus.

Samurai code

Bushido, literally meaning "Way of the Warrior", is theCode of Honour and way of life of the Samurai.There are eight virtues, which a Samurai must try to possess:
a sense of justice and honesty
courage and contempt for death
self-control,sympathy towards all people
politeness and respect for etiquette
sincerity and respect for one's word of honour
absolute loyalty to one's superior
a duty to defend the honour of one's name and guild.

I am A change Person

I don know why???? i know deep in my heart have change a lot. but i just don know why?

Can you feel me.

也许我告别将不再回来,

你是否理解?

你是否明白?

也许我倒下将不再起来, 你是否还要永久的期待?

如果是这样, 你不要悲哀, 共和国的旗帜上 有我们血染的风采.

也许我的眼睛再不能睁开, 你是否理解我沉默的情怀?

也许我长眠再不能醒来, 你是否相信我化作了山脉?

如果是这样, 你不要悲哀, 共和国的土壤里 有我们付出的爱!

So Long My chruch friend

Hey you know what, i am very sadden by my church friend. take me for FUCKING granted. anyway i already not going to the chruch. and i give up on them already.

aaa239, aaa932

This is my xbox360 and PSN game mate. i am very happy to see this england brother. i still remember how we met. he was asking me the first question was. "how long you have your ninja gaiden 2" then it started off our friendship. and so on....

this year my xbox360 fail me a lot of time. so i lost contact with him. i feel very empty. (i am not gay) just that no one play a online game with me anymore.

when i brought my ps3. in my friend list is empty. for about 2 month or less. i play alone. i play with stranger. In this total new system i was lost in a way. without my comrade aaa239. but one day he sms me from england. asking me how am i. and i had him worry. i was sad. i missed him.

then few week past he sms me again, asking me do i have a ps3. i was very happy the next thing i know he have it. and when i turn on my ps3, his tag aaa932 waiting for me to add him into my friend list. i cant tell you how happy i am till now. Brother!!! you wont regret having me as your comrade and friend. till then i see you...

Take Care...

Ps3

Well, my xbox360 has gone bad. Shit MS. always got this issue wit the 360. anyway i brought myself a ps3. well it is very very powerful indeed. actually i love both of them. but i love the story of metal gear solid. a game and story i follow for about 11 years.

feel

Tell me if you ever love me. if i'm gone, i wish you will live. i know living alone is horrible. but, i know you can take it. if one day i really am gone. will you remember my name. deep down my heart, i know i love you deep. but, i just cant love you like before.

Love is great, Jesus love us with no condition. i wish i could do that to you. but, i just cant. the blame is on me. i know what you done to me. i know and i really know. it hurt when i anrgy. i smash thing. i can feel you. i feel you fear it. how can stop it. my lord know you are not to blame. its i that will take the blame.

i will worship you Oh mighty God. in the present of your holiness. you speak to me now my lord. i love you, and i really do. pls show me my path to you. i never ever forsake you. you know my loyalty to you. show me my armor and my spear and sword. i fight with you till the last breath i ever take. if i go to heaven and i see you. lord i ask for your permission to let me guard your creation. animal. my lord though you did not say animal will go heaven or not. here i pray to you. PLS LET ALL YOUR CREATION COME BACK TO YOU. i love them and you MY LORD.

i know your call my lord and i really do...... SHOW ME MY PATH TO YOU TONIGHT.

my Civic

Hey my New honda civic, i love my car man. no words could explain my heart. anyway, i want to do more to my car, taking one step at a time.

few weeks back, i bring my girl to pungol marina to test my vtec. Muhaha she is scare. the power of VTEC is not to be taken lightly. Vrooooooooom. the car just push and push even further with power.

Thats my Vtec. Hahaha......

Till then.

New year

bad ass new year. not good. but God is good all the time with amazing Grace and full of love. God never forsake anyone. I MEAN IT yesterday i have headache, while i was reading the chinese bible, i just say god take away my headache. boom boom its gone. for real i say in jesus name.

Bye Bye little red car Xiao Hong

Heh Heh.... i am so happy today, i brought a new car. Honda civic. its 1993 model. but i am very happy i tested out the vehicle.. one word WOW fucking powerful. though some little problem.

i don expect perfect condition for a second hand car. but i tell you the engine was in super good condition. air-con was too good to be just ok. as for the pick up speed. WOW you wont believe it fucking had a very powerful torque. no joke the throttle is fucking respondsive.

but i still need to service it i think next month its a fucking good bargain. only 7.800
left 3 year to go. Way to go man.

i felt sad coz my suzuki xiao hong. is going to be gone forever... though it fail me at time, its still my belove car. just now i left my car to take my new car. when i was about to go. i feel i cant bear to leave him there. my heart still feel heavy now. xiao hong if i still have the chance to see you again. i sure will take a picture with you. but, till then........

Stupid man

if you remember not long ago i talk about caleb. he actually call me but, i was in meeting. i ask he whatsup. he was saying my english improve but too many F*** words.

stupid Ass, fucking no baller. when i visit his blog again. his blog turn out to be for invited only.
fucking shit. fucking petty no baller. i regret regarding him as my friend. whatever thing happened already i would not say. but, now on you are on your own. caleb you are NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE YOU HEAR...... over grown lizard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scam

I just receive a scam call, saying that i won a lucky draw. at once i knew that was a scam.
Haha i can't stop laughting, why? i tell you, i press handsfree speaker, my boss and i were listening to what that china lady saying. Wahaha. she ask me where should she send the voucher to.

you know what i say? Hahaha, its singapore casket HAHAHA..... i cant stop laughting.

At the end she hang up the call, saying other people will send to me. HAHA stupid ass china lady.

A friend of past....

Recently i talk to andrew ong my church friend. we talk about Caleb. caleb was asking me to return his guitar relaying the message through andrew. i was like shit!!!! from andrew i knew he was staying around toa payoh. cant he just meet me???

WTF, after that i heard from somone knowing the reason why caleb dont want me to meet him. caleb was saying i scolded him and all shit.. FUCK to you my friend. caleb yes to you i say FUCK to you. be a man. you are already 40 plus and keep talking like you are a KID.... keep on rejecting job. you don dare to FUCKING face your defeat. keep saying marsli let you down.

YOu know what??? i am very happy that she already move on. you are too weak to be with her. keep blaming her what she do to you. NOW i understand you keep saying this so you want people to pity you. FUCK YOU. you can die for all you want for all i care. i tell you if you ever want your guitar back. BE A MAN CALL ME. if not i will just throw it away. i don give a FUCK shit to you anymore.

and i got nothing to do with you or marsli. be advise you can just FUCK yourself, yes you did not read wrongly or i type wrongly go FUCK YOURSELF. you are no longer my friend. do not call me and explain yourself i have heard enough of your FUCKING pityful story. always about girl and invesment. nothing esle. in the end what you earn????? FUCKING loser over grown lizard.

MAN of Love? Freedom????

I recently read about Dr Chee. I am Hurt, not saying i don agree with him. he is my type i fight till the end. you might feel strange why him???

I tell you something you might not know. why do you think ZHANG LIAO follow LU BU for??
Zhang liao is a person follow the path of a warrior. Lu Bu is the strongest man on earth that time.
You know what i mean??? THINK and you shall be elighten.

But if i am Dr Chee. i will fight in a more tactical way. thats all. NOT SAYING THAT he is stupid.
He is MORE CAPABLE of doing great things more in tactical way. I know he know what he is doing. you know something? having child seeing what daddy do this and that. having wife being artillary for Dr Chee, having family members support, all is NOT EASY........

If you are my wife and i do what Dr Chee do. Will you standby me???? WILL YA....???????

I am

I am drain off day by day, night by night. second by second. my brain start to work at night. i don know how or why. but i am sad. for no reason. MY LORD saying is. For i am weak therefor i need God. But if i show away my weakness, my enemy Will infiltrate and i will be gone.

Clash eh? what to do? i need help. who can help me.
someone from outer space. perhap someone i know of in my memory?
Deddy once told me, sometime in certain part of your life. you need someone you are familiar with to get you through this down time of yours. First thing come to my mind is my Shi Fu SIR Steven.

I do not want to say much about the current problem the world is facing. But just in Singapore.
i show you why i like to learnt from HITLER AND STALIN.

How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think. Adolf Hitler
If you know what i Mean........

GOD REALLY ANSWER YOUR PRAYER

I hereby to confirm with you people out there, that are still wondering why your prayer have not been answer or something something. i tell you NOW!!!!

GOD ANSWER YOUR PRAYER. Its real and within second my sickness was heal, though still a bit of flu. how it works?? you people must be wondering eh?? hahaha

Last wednesday, i was sick with FLU, FEVER, HEADACHE, DIZZY. i see doctor, after taken the medicine it did not work i was sick throught the week. and last sunday, still feeling sick, i went to bath. i didn't realise that i am actually praying to GOD. i start to kneel down.

And this is the word i said. "MY LORD, I COME TO YOU, AS NAKED AS I AM, PLEASE HEAL ME, IN JESUS NAME AMEN" YOU KNOW before i said in JESUS NAME. i could feel kinda of a static charge off me. and i REALLY feel that my fever is gone headache gone, flu still left a bit but its very much better.

Today during caregroup i talk to Ah Goh, i told him everything. you know what. he also have the same exprience!!! HEY ITS TRUTH. we were both laught away. who would pray NAKEDLY?

But, i didn't shared it among my friend. a bit odd haha.

My LORD, i thank you for being there for me. I love you always LORD.

Love???

I was thinking something lately.
Will you Love a peson who is willing to give you everything in him/her?
or will choose and Love a person that understand you the best and cant give you everything?


Tell me.......

For i am weak i cant understand. Now this is a challenge to me. even with my hard to crack brain cant decide. Things are a person willing to give you everything MIGHT NOT love you as deep.
Person who understand MIGHT come to love You deep, still cant give much.

Grrrragh........

Places to Go

Well, i think my blog kinda boring... i don know why, maybe no pictures? well, whatever. just then i was browsing people blog. i saw very nice picture of different places. i love that. i wish i could save the money. and travel around. don know where i wanna be.

I love country side a lot. i wish i could stay there have my own home. live there and on. the world is so BIG. 世界如此宽，宽到我也迷失，失 去了方向........

Think REAL hard

i did not sleep the whole day. 290908, 0607hrs. don know why. i keep thinking real hard, but, the strange thing is i don even know why. i am like this for some time already. could it be i have becoming another person? if it is, what is it then? i don have the answer now. my love, my life, my mind all in a real mess.

I met deddy not long ago (my best mate) he too, mess up. well, he is the only one on earth that know me. everything. back then way in 1997. i met him, he learnt Taekwondo from me. we train together and all. talk about life, and everything on earth. his cousin train with us too. and early this year. he told me his cousin commited sucide. i was shock. i feel very hurt. My student is death i could not believe it.

I am thinking do people still use strategy? if so, what are they thinking? is it good or bad? i mean their intend. action and execution can be the same but, starting off can be very different. If you know what i mean. lately my cat chang chang is sick, some kind of red patches over him. i feel sad very sad. coz i love him so much and the thing is i don know what to do with it. he already 10 years old. i am very scare that one day he will leave me. Will my cat go heaven? My Lord I pray to you if chang chang were to leave me here. PLEASE TAKE HIM WITH YOU. CONSIDER I BEG YOU IN THIS, IF HE DON MET YOU IN HEAVEN, I AM WILLING TO EXCHANGE MY LIFE FOR THAT. AMEN.

My Lord, i know i sin everyday, i know you forgive everyday. but, just help me not to everyday. i notice some people do thing out of some Vow or Oath they made, or rules to follow. but, then is that all in their heart? or just because of the oath or vow? now if they just do it out of vow or oath. can it be real they are? i learnt something. only throught conplete observation can one only understand. but some just base on something and SOMETHING ONLY. thats not very right. My lord you told me put others first before myself. I know you know i always do that. and in that you always are my soource. so all i have to give it all. My Lord. i am loyal to you no matter what happened. you know that. and i know you know that.

People see that way i act and some how there's some impression in them. i feel them My lord. is this good thing? i feel they think i don understand the bible well. but My Lord. you know i know your words. My Lord, i can i serve you more so. people die for a cause they believe. by doing so they think thats the way for they. My Lord can this be right? for me there's no wrong or right. just different view thats all.

Later My Lord....

Heart, love, mind.

I have been thinking much lately. i don even know what i am thinking. sound weird huh..... i misses my good old days. with my primary school friend. but, they are gone.

each with their family to feed and all. what all have been done may have been forgotten. i know i should not dwell in all this. and maybe i should think of how i want my life to be. i just call caleb, he is not the way he use to be. he dwell in it too much unable to get out. i feel very sad for him.

when i was with diane, after church the three of us will go out together. we talk and all and everything. have fun during those time. thats just 4 years back...... thee are too mant sad people around me and i know i am already affected by them. i feel them i can feel them. and its starting to affect my thinking too......

What should i do.

Bejing 2008

i am back.... haha i know i have not write in sometime. i try to keep up ok. haha.
anyway i know some people out there are very hurt and i don know whats wrong but be sure that i will pray for you whoever you are.

my life recently is in a mess. man i cant believe whats going. sigh........ long story.
i watch the event on Taekwondo in bejing 2008. well very disappointed. its not like my training in the good old days. i train 3 time hard than that. my instructor always wanted me to go for knock out. so training was so tough.... sweat like nobody business.

now, i seldom train anymore. sad thing to say.

well i think thats all

See you later mate.....

Heart of me

Hi all, lately i was thinking about the security of my country. i was thinking of nowaday, people mind are all about money. They stress and problem come out. But, compare to the lives of billion and billion of people in the world how they think about that? comparing to the problem they have in mind.

i cannot denied the fact, people worry for their family. yes its true that without money they cant buy food and all. But as they are trying ways to earn money. who are the one that risk their life to protect the place where they can peacefully go around??

I was once in the regular in military force, back then, i don feel what i was feeling now. i really REGRETED. i should have been in there till now. how i wish i am now. protect people from harm, protect my country. But i get negative feed back. They say this is stupid thinking. Even my family say that every man is for their own. i totally DISAGREE.

we are safe now because some brave man have give their life in exchange of it. CAN YOU DENIED THIS FACT?? Well if you denied i cant say much........

Hey

i'm back, haha... actually i been busy for a while with nothing muhahaha....
just lazy and nothing to update. i brought my Xbox360 already. and i am enjoying it to its MAX...
ninja gaiden 2 is out and i have completed it already. now on mentor mode= hard mode.
a lot of thing happened to me lately but i chose to let all go. well my spear have do me well.
God must have spend a little more time on me..
THANK YOU MY LORD...... AMEN

The Big Picture of all

I just read caleb blog. saying thing like many thing price went up. I know to certain people in singapore is hard to cope. i wish for a change in the matter. what i mean here is not about the price going up or down. I mean if i were to just compain about the price. That will be a very small part in me.



I am just a normal person, i know its hard on everyone of us. but, think of the others side if you can. Price go up, yes i know. but, i WILL take this as a positive energy to work harder. improve myself. Look, if after i improve myself and work hard, i will get more reward in a way. (you have to think) taking thing the way they are, can be good and bad. For us, what is most important? money right? yes i know. if you worry JUST ONLY ABOUT MONEY, FAMILY MEMBERS TO BE FEED. i will and can say its a high mature level of thinking person you are. NOW COMES THE PART. Our country is RULE BY ABLE MAN. THEY HAVE EVEN MORE THING TO CONSIDER, SERCURITY, MAINTAIN SAFETY IN SINGAPORE.



I cant say anything bad about them. though i do not understand why this and that (about the price and all) but, i know they are also tying hard on their end. If as a commoner, i cannot contribute to my country, so tell me what am i living for?



Now many will think, no money how to live? pratical right? I BOLDLY SAY YES AND NO. WHY? ASK OURSELVE WHERE ARE WE RIGHT NOW???? IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PLACE. HOW YOU EARN YOUR PAY? WHERE FROM?

No country no family. no family, no next generation......

Brain works

I notice that, sometime when a person is feeling low. and needed some one to talk to. and find no one it is a painful process. but, if you find some one to talk to, but, that person does no even know you and say something to make you worst (not on purpose). you will even feel the pain as if it hit harder. but, when the person is close to you, and in the person mind anticipate your action or what's is in your mind. which is not true. The pain is the most of all. i felt that.... really hard for me to cope.

I try to press it down. but it rebound. fighting a rebound is not easy. Coz it depend on the force of the rebound, it can really do some damage if it hit hard. and if you are not able to mini the force which cause by the rebound. then you are in for it. The thing is how one should mini the rebound when the person know its coming and not much ways to do it.

I am sad real sad, and i do not know why, i try hard to think in a very netural way. meaning its like your soul out of your body. but, your body is still moving. your soul are watching it. sometime its just to hard. what should i do? .................

world of virus

nothing much for me to update. very boring........ sick and sick and sick
SIGH........................

Feel the feel...

此行此路以料也，从周始至今未逢心，也在今时露吐言， 心也不回非之无， 难之言语无心联

此举以有久时计，伪何今时露真面，真情时久以成恹。。。。

A new Spear...

Investigation after another, just within the 2 case i took. i break one already. but they did not keep their promise giving me what i should get. whatever I DO, I DO IN THE NAME OF JUSTISE. They even give me so much good praises. i don want to be with them anymore. i am moving forward.

Just some feeling that i have tells me not to believe in my boss. which in fact its true. empty promise.

Curse Spear??

i dont know my spear will serve me well or not. looking at things these few days. i cant set it. too early to say. but, one thing for sure i know this is what i like. i do love it. but, sometime not.........

Investigation Time.....

hey man i'm back!!!!!!!! ha ha, i found a spear which i was really looking forward to. i hope it will serve me well. for me to proceed, to move on. even right now i am very happy i think more than word that could possibly say. spear spear spear.......... hahaha........... my family looks better now.

i pray to my lord, and thats just work... haha..... MY LORD THANK YOU SO MUCH..... you know i never give you up. but, i am dissappointed with some of your people. (sorry MY LORD) this word not pertaining to you.

i just realise that my army company was SPEAR. haha....... so good and just right muhahaha.... i starting to understand myself just a little more. hahaha........ if a person is close to me i cant accept he or she to made mistake. (mean not taking thing for it) i mean need to have that FEEL. This is very important. if mistake done i will depend on the situation to decide. Lets call it play it by ear. (hope i say it right)

My family....

I dont know whats wrong with my mom and sister. its just too hard on the both of them. one say this and that. WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG OVER HERE.................................... family doesnt look like and behave like one.....

My brother even say something that should not be said. even in front of my parent. they didnt do anything. thats just NOT FUCKING RIGHT. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE....... cant everything be just right no more no less JUST RIGHT????? sigh................ I think i'm just trying to hard, changing thing that seem impossible to change...... FUCKING STUDY TILL PHD, and now want to do bussiness then go study how to do bussiness. what a reason. study is good but, thats just for knowledge. like i told my brother. working on something isnt just need study in that sense. need more hand on and exprience. need to work from the bottom. not just getting a cert, and start from the center of it.

whatever, i don care anymore, (sound like caleb) ha ha sorry for that. just need to write or type it some where.

My Memory.

I don't know why, i dreamt of Hui jun my primary school friend. she is a girl shao hui ( one of best pal last time) love so much last time. But, some how hui jun doesn't like him. slowly they drifted apart. i remember once shao hui told me, hui jun was the most perfect girl to him. she study good very nice girl, make a very good wife type of girl. most man will love her.

i don know, she just have that charm to shao hui. in the end, shao hui got married not with hui jun. i wonder how hui jun have been all this years. kinda miss her. i remember once she invited me and yuan hai, to east coast BBQ. thats was very long long time ago. we have fun and all.

the reason i write this, is just wanted to know how well i could try to discribe my memory. in certain part of my brain, i just could not bring it out in words. but i must keep trying.....

心事.........

此路行程易难言，苦咽心头以成恹。事实难以转回前，何苦一再要改变？

我者以有梦里现，可否一日能长绵？父母之命难可违？是否真可独当面？

Back to square one..

Well, i remember i ORD from the army in the year 2005. my first job was a private investigator. and i think thats the best job i ever have in my life. i miss those time and everything of it. my boss David and patrick. both are good and kind, first i really fucking dislike patrick. but later i kinda become more closer to him. but whatever it is. its over. today while i was looking for a new job i found this PI job again.

i don know why i buy the newpaper in the first place. but, seem like God know my heart After all these years. actually with all my skill and courage. i boldly say that no one could ever be like me. no one will have the guts to charge the car to max. beat red light, chase on foot and all. no one snipe like i do. patient i have while i snipe. all and all its me being me. my boss like me so much. BUT, because i have a super bad temper later days i quit due to certain reason.

Actually i really regret, i realise that what ever job i have after the PI, all is worthless. i miss being with them. i remember i went to sydney for a week. i call them up, this show i really into it and i can't let go of it. i miss the job. i love my boss.........

New year eve...

hey i'm back. you know new year eve, i was helping my dad selling his noodle. was super busy, i have met countless of customer so be it, super nasty or good MEAN nothing to me. but, got one uncle far more worst than evil himself, shouted at me. asking why he waited for so long. well, i tell you, i tell him very nicely i say in hokkien. can you talk nicely? he don give a damn. i got hot, but still supressing my inner devil. my dad, usually super hot temper, clam the whole thing down. but, that stupid ass uncle, went on and on shouting and talking cock. scolded us bastard. i was REAL HOT now. you know what. my dad burst out shiting him all the bad words you could not ever imagine. in the public. last i know from my parent that this uncle was a doctor. SHIT HIM MAN. this is how he should do thing??? fuck him. in the end i shit him too. hahaha. what i'm so happy about if you ask. thats the first time my dad and i combine forces to shit someone. that stupid doctor FOR REAL RUN AWAY hahahahaha..... Now i know my dad and mom. they really suffer a lot from younger days till now. i can see the picture from old days. they really getting older. I NOW MAKE THIS PRAYER TO MY FATHER IN HEAVEN. FATHER, MY LORD, IF THERE'S ONE THING YOU CAN GIVE ME, IF I CAN, SACRIFY MY LIFE AND PROLONG MY FAMILY LIFE LONGER..... I HAVE NO REGRET.. I HAVE LET THEM DOWN SO MANY TIME COUNTLESS OF TIME. I HOPE THIS WILL COMPENSATE THEM... MY LORD, MY KING. IN JESUS POWERFUL NAME I PRAY AMEN.

Set me free.....

If I leave here tomorrow Would you still remember me? For I must be travelling on, now, 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see. But, if I stayed here with you, girl, Things just couldn't be the same. 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now, And this bird you can not change. Lord knows, I can't change.
Bye, bye, its been a sweet love. Though this feeling I can't change. But please don't take it badly, 'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame. But, if I stayed here with you girl, Things just couldn't be the same. Cause I'm as free as a bird now, And this bird you'll never change. And this bird you can not change. Lord knows, I can't change. Lord help me, I can't change.

Real thing behind your WORDS

Well, recently i try to notice more onto people words, i mean what they say. sometime even after i know of something. but i just want someone to say it honestly to me i will FORGIVE. but if not i find it very hard for me to accept. i know that i'm a christian i should forgive anyone. in this particular part i'm still trying. why do people hide things from anyone? many reason, but, he more common reason is doing it without letting you knowing. in a way testing of searching deep in you and try to make certain concludsion in you. ggggggrrrrrrr.................. THATS UNACCEPTABLE. but i could not do anything to it. what fuck??????????????? what is wrong with this people man...... fucking shit........ i don give a damn now anymore. i live the way i want to live isn't it anyone esle wanted? but due to certain circumstances, people CHANGE.... we let people stick their finger onto our nose and tell us what to do. and when thing happen. its always because of him or she. coward do that but I AM NOT. if you think you're worth for, then go out and get what you are worth for BUT, you must be willing to TAKE the HIT.

PSP bible

guess what yesterday i was having dinner with my church friends. same old thing we talk about God. my grilfriend give me a memory stick as a present. 4G MS, but, guess what it cant play on my PSP. though disappointed, i try to search the net for some help. Suddenly i have this funny ideal, can i put my bible in my PSP? so i search again. Guess what!!!!!! i found it it was years ago people have that thought already haha. last time i use to think i wanted a O2 phone so badly so i can download bible in it. now i have it all HAHAHAHAHAHA THANK YOU MY FATHER IN HEAVEN YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO..

save me some money. ke ke, nothing compare to this will be more happier than anything hahaha. no words could ever express my feeling right now hahaha. so happy.

Power is nothing without JUSTICE

I suddenly remember something. when i was young back in 1991. i acted in my school Heng Ah Keng Bong primary school. i was acting a hero that catches a pick pocket. i was dominated to act hero. somehow it link to 2006 i caught a robber. i was awarded a medal by DPM Wong Kan Seng. how it happened was the day before the event took place. i was praying to God. i tell God that all these years i learn Taekwondo, my sense of justice like have been wasted. i was praying to God let my this talent be use to his kingdom. and on 7 aug 2006 my holy birthday the day after i prayed. later that night i caught a robber, robbing a lady hang bag. after i caught him, i was being ask by the police am i willing to be the witness of it and i go all the way, to help in whatever ways i could. i was there in the witness room in court. The robber plead guilty. and i was not being sumon to the witness stand to testify against the robber. what really make me sad was, the family members of the robber not a single one turn up to his hearing. according to the IO ( Investigation officer) the robber family have already given up hope on him. upon hearing this somehow i was sad. i start to ponder if i caught him was right or wrong?

Given up on him. i did not pray for him though, i hope he learn his lesson. by saying all this is not to show off myself but to show GOD LISTEN AND WATCH WHAT YOU DO EVERY SINGLE SECOND. so do not let your guard down. i know its very common to say this in fact all chirstian should know that God is everywhere, everytime, every place. Yes even when your in the toilet (sorry for that) you know something most of the time i question God. God why this why that. but let you people know that at all time i am SUPER LOYAL TO GOD. though during worship time i laugh and didn't sing the song. but it does not prove that i disrespect him. i just don sing thats all. its the heart that matter. somewhere in the bible also say this but, i don know where. (God look at heart not the appearance.) to show God you listen to him by doing what he want you to do? to do what? i really don know. Sometime during church activity, i question myself, is this what God want us to do or is it just some tactic to win the soul over for God? i cant get this thing straight.

I talk to willy before hope i spell correctly his name. he say God is mercyful, if you hunger he will let you know. i believe that. there is something here if you did not think, FAITH is all time involve in all things. no faith no believe no trust no God. now i realise something is that if i reverst the order trust, believe, faith. take the first letter of every word it become this TBF. mean TRUST=TO, BELIEVE=BE, FAITH=FAITHFUL. of coz this is just what i thought of never know i always have this in mind. somehow i think God want me to attend church. beside all the problem i have in the church. now when i say i think it mean TO ME not to anyone who want to believe. if you want by all mean.

A person....

I read someone blog i known of.. saw the pictures. felt its was very fortunate. i think i made a very right choice to leave her... I know i some how set something free to let it breath again. Come to think to it. just like my cat. most of the time Chang Chang (my cat name) was running wondering around outside my house. though i feel unsafe most of the time. i still let it go. if i also kept him at home don let it have its freedom, its isn't fair. God give every single thing freedom. some use wisely some not. My church GTC, people most are caring and certain is holy and more is more holy. ( not to mention who haha) here is something i wanna say. be it you take it as draft or anything. i don care.... ^_^ i feel very heavy recently. don know why. i met teck keong yesterday night try to fix his computer. sorry no luck have to buy new LCD. when i see teck keong tired as always. i feel he is some how weaken in some area. i don know whats wrong with him. but when i see him everytime i feel i am somehow renew by him. HE IS A VERY GOOD BROTHER TO ME. mercyful, relax one thing he is very kind hearted in a way i love him. ( hey i'm not gay ok haha)

The way i am....

As you go through life you'll see, there is so much that be, don understand....... And the only thing we know it's things don't always goes, the way we plan. But you see, everyday people work and stay alive, do thing as they are and do with pride.... As for one filled with hope filled with everything we are, but we forget everything are as one..........

If there's so much that can be, can i just still be me?..... the way i am........

above its just a song that i some how remember... keke ^_^ the rest? i forgotten haha...
i had just read caleb's blog a bit sad to know that his van was sold away. a van with much memory. i know aleb must be in despair. nothing except God can help him. As chirstian we all know the fact. but, most of the time i also will question why this and that. but the question here is. In what kind of attitude am i asking God. He build us many things.... too many of them....
Its the spirit of the heart that is the real thing not the question. Like i had said before, there was once i pick my sons up. ( have not seen them for sometime) when i met them they call me UNCLE. hahaha.... i was not sad not angry just feel it was fun.. ^_^ many in typical MAY say i'm crazy. but, something like. i call my father (in blood) FATHER. but in my heart i don regard him as my father THERE IS A VERY BIG DIFFERENT HERE. so that explain the way i am......

Answer....

Hello, i'm back. heh heh, i was studying myself for a certain period of time now. i know that i have been thinking a lot. normal people cannot really UNDERSTAND what i have explain. they find it hard to accept. because what they know, it all along in them. maybe from their background, what they been through, or sometime worst, its been taught to them since young. now, what i'm asking here is don we have a brain? must it be this or that? why cant we really answer what people ask? there are 2 answer normally. first the person that question. it will depend what the questioner want the answer from you. or answer in acoordance to your OWN thinking. it happened to me just yesterday. when my friend ask me, IF I EVER ASK GOD FOR HELP? well, i answer in the 2nd option i mention above my OWN thinking. but half way during the explainaion i was stop... why? my friend say again. " its just a simple question why make it complicated?" "i just want to know yes or no" in this case, what he want is totally different from he asking. i am trying to explain myself though it may take a bit of time but, people are just filtering the answer thats really in your mind. IS THIS FAIR? now if you say again the world is never fair. then might as well die better right? there is certain fairness like i say. of coz its just a matter of time....

Sima Yi

I think most guys will know Sima Yi. he is another brillant strategist beside Zhuge Liang. many will think that Zhuge Liang is the most smartest guy. but, in fact it is not. whatever Zhuge Liang can think of, Sima Yi can always have a way to prevent it. the real fact is Sima Yi is better. many people think that Zhuge Liang is sided with Liu Bei coz of his greatness. but, in warring state who does not want to conquer a country? whoever will use lots of method. then in this case who is right? who are we to judge? In many game or book, Sima Yi is often describe as proud, but i fact its not. who does not have their own thinking? people nowadays always fix thing as for thing they are. no one will look at it the way that is not normal. but how normal is normal? how not normal is not normal? i always have second thought for things. its in me and i think i wont go very wrong with that. just that someone have to be very observance with it. so far so good and i'm lucky. ok till then....

Year Wish

This year i want a breakthrough!!! In every thing i do. tomorrow i am packing up my room lo... heh heh, its very untidy but i think MOST guys are like that?? i think so. ha ha. i did not write anything these days coz i'm sick. now that i'm ok i try to write a lot more thing that i can write YAHOOOOOOOOOOOO........

Well what a year....

Hi i'm back. i'm sick through out the 2nd week of year 2008. i was having high fever, 38.9 wow.. thats high though. strange thing is i was feeling active not weak. but, later days during my sickness. i notice that my thinking was slow. not like my normal self. i hate that. i sleep a lot during my sick period. Guess what? yeaterday when i was looking into the mirror, i got a shock, i saw a younger version of me. man my face really look younger. maybe all these days sleep regain my health bit by bit. well thats it i wanna sleep early and wake up early. that way i can at the very least get younger a bit. heh heh.... ^_^ at any rate yu ming been release out on the 7 jan 2008. i wanna save some money for him so he can study, and more so he can be a great help to me in my work. i pray to my Lord King of King. i commit my brother to your hand. in Jesus Mighty NAME I PRAY AMEN.

A New Hope....

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. i was in the watchnight service in GTC. the pastor all was talking about, what we want from this 2008 year. i pray and i hope it will alll happen. the spear i lost in 2007, i know i will in no time find a better and more powerful spear. muhaha.... anyway on 29 dec 2007, teck keong got married with siew yee. they all are very happy of course. Teck keong was so happy, i did not know that he know how to play er-hu. a kind of chinese violin. he didn't played for 8 years according to him. but, he played it qiute well. power man... way to go. during the last day, i saw the cat, run faster to it normal hidding place. i was telling him that i may not see him in future. i was sad. he sleep the wgole day. anyway i was very happy to see him during my last day and not others. i pray he will be in better life after i'm not around. i know he will... coz God will protect and keep him safe from harm.